La La Landon

2011-09-09T11:13:00.001-07:00

2011-08-25T08:26:00.001-07:00

ideas for stadium games

2011-08-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

you know like the kiss cam and the like, well thats the only good one currently. but i have an idea for a stadium game.

the song "whip it" by Devo is playing and they put random grown men on the screen dancing - the audience has to text in to a number on the bottom of the screen guessing the dancing guy's blood alcohol level. then the guy blows into a breathalyzer and his BAC level goes up on the screen - CUE EVERYONES LOL --- AMIRIGHTGUYS?

MAKE SURE TO ZOOM THE CAMERA IN ON HIS EMBARRASSED WIFE AND KIDS AMIRIGHT?

if they guess correctly they are texted a funny picture of richard simmons AND a free gift card to chipotle. cause this game is called the richard simmons chipotle gift card mcdonald's america BAC level mothers against drunk driving challenge.

THEN - confetti showers on everyone.

19 minutes

2011-06-10T16:55:00.000-07:00

my computer has nineteen minutes left until he dies. lets see if i can come up with something postworthy.

i like it when people say "oh, my phone died."

PERSON : my phone is dead
ME : (face goes from ridiculous smile to stunned look)
PERSON : (casually) ya idk i forgot to charge it
ME : O HOW CONVENIENT - YOU FORGOT TO CHARGE IT.
PERSON : ya, its alright though
ME : ITS ALRIGHT? YOU HAVE SHED THE INNOCENT BLOOD OF A LIFE PARTNER.
PERSON : ya but whatevs.
ME : (grabs cell phone out of person's hand, places it on ground, tries to resuscitate by continuously pushing the B key).
ME : BREATH, PLEASE, ITS NOT TOO LATE, THERE IS POWER IN YOU YET.
PERSON : (confused look).
ME : NO! NO! NO! NO! (slowing looks up at person with a scowl.) THOU SHALT NOT MURDER. THOU SHALT NOT MURDER.
PERSON : Listen man i think you are confused
ME : IM CONFUSED? IM CONFUSED? O THATS RICH, YOU MURDER A HELPLESS PHONE OUT OF SOME SICK TWISTED SENSE OF CONVENIENCE AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS CONFUSED? I HOPE ROBOTS COME ALIVE AND MAKE YOUR SKULL THEIR BUCKET FOR BOLTS AND INSERT A BATTERY TO YOUR BACK AND DON'T CHARGE IT BECAUSE THEY FORGOT. THEN YOU EXPLODE. (walks out)
PERSON : why do i spend time with him?

IM BACK

2011-05-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

HAVE NO FEAR - I HAVE RETURNED.

i saw this sign today several times. IT DISGUSTS ME. TO THE POWER OF DANDRUFF.

i mean cmon! the thing about slow children is THEY EXIST, ask any gymnasium teacher ... they DO EXIST. SLOW CHILDREN. ok. thats a fact. lets move on. ------ WHY MUST WE POST SIGNS ALERTING MOTORISTS OF THEIR EXISTENCE?

how must these slow children feel when they see these signs?
i bet they feel SO SELF CONSCIOUS - like who let the cat out of the bag here? i knew i wasnt the fastest kid in school but since when did everyone need to know?

or poss they want to run away. but it would take hours to run from these signs, because they are everywhere and they are slow. so they probably run to a forest somewhere and eat a big hamburger sandwich pizza alone in the woods at night with wild warrior eagles watching them. is that what you want america?

i wonder if there is a cop who clocks slow kids with a radar gun and determines which neighborhoods to put those signs in? i wonder how slow you have to be? or maybe the gym teacher from a given area tells the po-po the slowest kids on the mile this year and they put signs up in his yard.

i wonder if there are levels to the slow signs - like
SLOW CHILDREN
SLOWER CHILDREN
SLOWEST CHILDREN
SNAIL CHILDREN

post this sign everywhere - warn the neighbors - if you are out driving and you look away from the road for 20-30 seconds - a child may have slothed
near the road.

reader

2011-04-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

dear reader,
i smelled you yesterday and P U you smell like a mountain of ugly butts. o my goodness, did you spray poofume on yourself? (its like perfume but made of poop). you are disgusting, and a cannibal. ya i heard you eat people, that is SO gross, and hilarious, i am like lol ing so hard at you right now. MAN, i also heard you crashed a bus full of nuns on purpose, ew. you should be arrested and sent to OMG prison and sentenced to life without popcorn chicken from KFC. Also, i heard one of those nuns had the cure to tuberculosis in her Bible, stained with her tears from mixing chemicals for the good of some coughing boys in an alley in New York city. GIVE ME A BREAK, you are so mean, that boy is coughing so hard right now. He has TUBERCULOSIS. TUBERCULOSUCKS. plus i heard you sent flowers to your mom with bees on them and the bees had dipped their stingers in poison AND WORST OF ALL the flowers weren't your moms favorite color.
sincerely,
april fools day.

ok

2011-03-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

pick any number 2-9.
multiply it by 9.
take the numbers 2 digits and add them.
add your age to that number.
add the age of your mother when you were born.
subtract the number you originally chose.
pick whichever of the two digits you like and assign it to the alphabet (a=1, b=2...)
now pick any animal that begins with that letter.
now imagine nicholas cage getting run over by that animal.

the bachelor episode VI revenge of the sith

2011-03-01T10:39:00.000-08:00

this has been an incredible journey for me. i knew i would fall in love with these people when i came in. i cant believe i can only choose one to spend the rest of my life with.

leia - i feel like we take one step forward and then two steps back. i love your cinnamon bun haircut but you keep changing it. do you care about my feelings at all? leia i cant give you this rose.

luke - man, i cant believe how many womprats we bullseyed back home. lets head to the tosche station later and pick up some power converters? i think were better as friends. i cant give you this rose

chewbacca - i love your exotic history. but i feel you are truly in love with han, not me. maybe some day you will admit that to yourself. never change chewie. i cant give you this rose.

r2d2 - i feel betrayed by you. why didnt you use your jetpack in episodes 4 through 6? not even once. we could have used those. also, your ability to use a lightsaber, your ability to walk on the outside of a spaceshuttle. c'mon man, you are a liar. plus you are clearly in love with c3po. and i cant blame you. i mean the guy is covered in bronze and he speaks bacci. i cant give you this rose.

darth vader - its not you... its me. ok. well. its you.

this has been an incredible journey for me, there are things i wish i could do differently. but i need to give this rose to boba fett. he will protect me like i deserve. he knows his way around the galaxy. and unlike the rest of the star wars characters, he was only partially ruined by the prequels.

our contestant and boba fett took off in his space shuttle and went to cloud city and harassed lando calrissian for decades to come

COOL PIX PART 4

2011-02-28T23:41:00.000-08:00

COOL PIX PART 3

2011-02-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

deck of the future

2011-01-22T08:22:00.001-08:00

i am at a camp right now. at this camp there has been a sign for a "future deck" for about five years. everyone always wondered what this deck of the future would be like when it was finally built. would it be an HD deck? with clouds and lasers and dancing and tae bo? probably. its finally done, so i am happy to let you know how AMAZING, ADVANCED and FUTURISTIC IT IS.

first of all, it is made from lasers. the lasers are so small and SO advanced that they form a solid substance that people can stand on. the lasers are SO cool and star wars that they look exactly like wood, you know, for that campy feel. they also smell like wood and feel like it too. pretty amazing!

in addition they have installed some translucent computerized laser screens in between the inside and the outside. they look so natural sitting there, so FUTURISTIC AND INCREDIBLE. if i had to describe what they look like in words you understand, i would say they look like windows.

the part i am most pumped about is the invisible R2D2 they installed to serve drinks. i havent found him yet though.

also there is an escalator that can take you from the ground to the top of the deck of the future in 2 seconds. they have it turned off right now for some reason. so they are kind of like stairs. it must be because of all the overweight kids up here.

"hugs"

2011-01-21T22:04:00.000-08:00

i just met a bro named "hugs". everyone calls him "hugs". "hugs" has been meeting a lot of people to. UM ----- "hugs" SHAKES PEOPLES HANDS WHEN HE MEETS THEM.

um.

i cant understand yet how "hugs" got this name yet. i know about infinity people who deserve this name more than him. LIKE UM MY MOM. SHE HUGS ME EVERY DAY. AND HER HUGS ROCK.

maybe he has only given like ten hugs ever and they were the most amazing hugs ever in history.

OR MAYBE. if there is DANGER in the sky he rips off his shirt and goes and HUGS the evil enemy bad guy darth vader nicholas cage and then he disintegrates into ashes and burned up copies of "gone in 60 seconds" on DVD.

MAYBE. once a bear hugged "hugs" before his name was "hugs" maybe his name is like paul. and a bear hugged paul like so hard for like 5 minutes and never scratched his eyes out and never even ate his hand off in one bite. so maybe they called paul "hugs" after that.

MAYBE EVEN. its not a nickname at all. maybe his name is Hugs Paul Smith the 3rd. or Hugs McNugget or something.

i think the theory with the most possibility is that his HUGS KILL EVERYONE EVER. thats why he never hugs anyone.

OR MAYBE. his name is Hugh and i have been mishearing.

nicholas cage is the worst part two

2011-01-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

gone in 60 seconds is a movie about a balding car thief who is the worst. also he has severe butt rott.

this loser has to steal 50 cars in one night or else everyone will find out what a loser he is ... unfortunately, everyone already knows. so the whole plot is useless. ya, so he steals a bunch of cars, which, if you have A MASTER KEY is not very difficult. i dont know whats so impressive probably that he is doing it while also acting so badly. that must be hard.

then he steals 49 cars which is actually possible for one person to do in one night. and he does it with ease, which makes complete sense.

then for the 50th car he decides to steal the hardest car to steal. he does this because he is an idiot. he could clearly steal another 20 easy cars that he has THE MASTER KEY for and then steal the crown jewel later. but seriously he is such a bozo that he tries this and does it somehow. my theory is the owner saw that such a huge loser was touching his car so he just went and bought like 5 more and let him have it. anyways then he gets in traffic because he is a loser. then he jumps over like 1000000 cars and like gets his wife or daughter or hair or whatever he wanted back. thats the end. of the visible diarrhea.

i saw this because i thought it was going to be about nicholas cage for 60 seconds then he would leave and be gone. gone in 60 seconds for a million years. i was so pumped. like that movie where they kill steven seagall in like the first ten minutes.

someone needs to make a movie where nicholas cage gets killed in it, then while filming actually kill him. or at least steal him and leave him on one of the two islands he used to own before he went bankrupt.

COOL PIX PART 2

2011-01-08T23:41:00.000-08:00

thats you. on the right. LOL

thats your boyfriend

thats your favorite soft drink

nicholas cage is the worst part one

2011-01-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

in 2009 i saw a movie at lincoln square cheap theater called "knowing". roger ebert gave it 4 stars. roger ebert also is a bucktoothed old mummy. this was one of the worst movies ever and EXHIBIT A in the MUSEUM of nicholas cages LIFETIME of SUCKERY.

knowing is a "movie" about an alcoholic loser who claims his wife died. she could have justifiably left him for his alcoholism OR THE FACT THAT HE IS SUCH A BORING PIECE OF GARBAGE. either way, him and his son live and look at the stars together (it isnt touching). then like this chick who IS satan writes something in a school time capsule 50 years ago. then nicholas cage's son gets it at his school or whatever and takes it home. then his loser dad nicholas cage sends him to bed at like 6pm starts boozing and looking at the Satan's letter its like all this numbers and garbage. EVEN THOUGH he is drunk and a loser he tries to decode the note. (how could he know there was something to decode?) then he "randomly" selects numbers off of the page. 91101 were the numbers he "randomly" selected. THEN LIKE LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS LATER he makes it 9/11/01 AND HE IS LIKE WOW THIS MUST BE A LIST OF THE MAJOR DISASTERS IN HUMAN HISTORY FORETOLD BY A SATAN PROPHET OF SOMEKIND.

then he finds the satan's grandaughter - shes hot - hes like YES. then she hates him cause he sucks so much. then satans great grandaughter and his son are like "we are the same age". then 5 satanic beings follow him around. then a plane crashes like 2 feet away from cage and he isnt hurt. then the satans turn into angels, an alien ship lands and picks up HIS SEVEN YEAR OLD SON AND THAT OTHER SEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL. the aliens take them TO REPOPULATE AN ENTIRE PLANET. A PLANET OF INBRED DESCENDANTS OF NICHOLAS CAGE. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN THAT.

perhaps this movie.

by the way, if you don't believe me, watch it. it is definitely that awful.

OUT OF TEN IN SUCKERY
MOVIE SCORE - 9
NICHOLAS CAGE - 8
EVERYTHING ELSE - 9

this one will be hard to beat.

YA MON

2011-01-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

jamaicans are perfectly content having the simplest most cliche ridden culture of any people group i have ever been involved with.

these guys PLAY INTO their own stereotype at an alarming rate. THEY ACTUALLY SAY "YA MON" LIKE INFINITY TIMES A DAY. mind blown. THEY LOVE TALKING ABOUT COOL RUNNINGS. THEY LOVE TALKING ABOUT MARIJUANA. THEY LOVE TALKING ABOUT BOB MARLEY.

really the whole culture can be boiled down to one person, one plant, one movie and one saying.

if you had bob marley saying ya mon holding a mary jane inside a bobsled you would have PERFECTLY summed up THE ENTIRETY of their culture.

WHEN MICHAEL SCOTT SAID SANDALS JAMAICA WAS THE MOST ROMANTIC PLACE ON EARTH HE WAS WRONG. MAYBE HE NEVER WENT TO DETROIT.

COOL PIX

2010-12-29T11:30:00.001-08:00

the chicken is me the shadow is wayne coyne

20,000

2010-12-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

i just was the 20,000th hit on my own blog. HOW AMAZING. i was planning on giving the person who was the 20,000th hit a bunch of money. and a time machine full of candy.

NOW I AM JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE THAT stuff TO MYSELF.

in honor of the fifth year of this blog i am going to share links to some of my favorite posts from the past.

Sneeze-alujah
dude. i love hats
SEVEN
McShort McStory

TO MY FAITHFUL READERS - I KNOW THIS YEAR HAS BEEN TOUGH WITHOUT MANY POSTS FROM ME. I KNOW THE FUTURE MAY LOOKS DARK AND GLOOMY WITHOUT SO MANY LALAPOSTS BY YOUR SIDE. FEAR NOT THIS BLOG WILL RETURN WITH A DIE HARD LEVEL VENGEANCE NEXT YEAR.

leave me some comments. let me know you are here.

sincerely, la la landon.

merry christmas

2010-12-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

mixtape two is done. im pumped because i have been working on this since i was in california in february. tara did some incredible vocals and my friend wille c laid down some of the bass.

the music is about sadness and isolation at the end of meaningful relationships and being pulled through by Christ. those feelings are part of a Christian life but they are not expressed in popular Christian music. which is totally lame because they are valid and meaningful feelings and they shouldn't be kept inside!

its up for free download at noisetrade.com/rainbowrhythms

i didnt do this for money, so please dont give me any as a tip, BUT it would be sweet if you shared on facebook that you downloaded it.

cheers!

2010-12-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?

Tara and I have spent a bunch of the month of December working old Christmas songs sewing them into something new. LIKE UM A CHRISTMAS BLANKET FULL OF DREAMS.

The results will be posted for a limited time at our noisetrade page. If you are reading this and the songs are already gone, send me a message or something and i'll give them to you.

we've been getting good response from these songs which is fun. we also got to perform like 13 times at Harvest - 6 at Elgin, 6 at Rolling Meadows and once at Connect.

Good times.

Merry Christmas

happy pranksgiving

2010-11-23T21:55:00.001-08:00

ive been thinking...thanksgiving is great, but it needs a little update, to keep up with the kids of today, so i've thought of several alterations on the holiday that parents could use to relate to their kids on this day of nationwide thanks.

1. pranksgiving. stuff the turkey with dynamite, fill the corn up with yellow pop-rocks, pour gravy on people's heads when they aren't looking and then inevitably end the meal with a pumpkin pie fight.

2. tanx-giving. a war based holiday where family members search the house with nerf guns and dodgeballs in search of turkeys of mass destruction.

3. lance-giving. a day celebrating the cutest member of N'Sync. i heard he is single too.

4. spanks-giving. parents use the rod of correction to make this a spanks-giving their unsuspecting rascal would never forget.

the way they pick survivor contestants

2010-10-16T11:52:00.001-07:00

i love the show survivor. i also am baffled by the people that end up on the show. i can only assume the way they choose contestants is according to this type of questionnaire.

Survivor Host : Hello
Potential contestant : O Hi there.
Host : So tell me about yourself.
Contestant : Well, I'm -
Host : (cuts them off) - are you emotionally stable?
Contestant : Well, i have had many emotional traumas in the past year that were personally devastating.
Host : Perfect.
Contestant : Um.
Host : Are you willing to say outlandishly mean and potentially incorrect things about people you just met?
Contestant : You mean like you? You are such an INSENSITIVE JERK.
Host : (to himself) yes.
Contestant : What was that?
Host : I dont think you are ready to be on survivor
Contestant : OK. I will fake like i have hatred towards numerous people groups and / or people with disabilities.
Host : Thats not enough.
Contestant : Ok, I will also call everyone else on the show shallow names like ugly, stupid and dumb, on camera for you to use as you please.
Host : I would also appreciate it if you punch Jeff Probst in the face.
Contestant : Sounds fun, but i wont make any promises.

rules for standing ovations

2010-09-25T19:49:00.000-07:00

i am so sick of standing ovations.

look a guy! hes talking! i am not offended!
LETS GET UP AND CLAP OMG YES TO INFINITY

look a person! they just SANG A SONG! i am tone deaf so i love it!
STAND UP AND CLAP! social pressure! everyone is standing!

we need to put some rules down. this is getting out of hand.

rule 1. one standing ovation per event. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH PEOPLE.

rule 2. if there is a standing ovation and someone is sitting they are not a terrible person. every lame-o soccer mom / one-toothed old dummy thinks everything is amazing. they stand up and clap like a cave man seeing a seeing a man riding a unicycle on a rope over the grand canyon juggling. whereas your typical person sees some girl who looks like david bowie who just read an uncomfortable poem about love. id rather keep my seat thank you.

rule 3. everyone gets to initiate one standing ovation per lifetime. thats it. one initiation, after which a red S gets branded into your right butt cheek. that was it for that person. ONE INITIATION. this will ensure that the people standing actually mean it. someone spent there only initiation on this. AND they are about to get branded. ALSO the brand will be just hot enough to give 2nd degree burns NOT 3rd degree. this is so it hurts more. itll be so epic when a bro stands up. MAN HE REALLY LIKES THESE TACOS. NO WAIT. I THINK HES STANDING. O MY GIRAFFE. HE IS GIVING A STANDING OVATION TO THESE TACOS! THIS GUY IS SO LEGIT. WHAT A COMMITMENT.

rule 4. every time the movie rambo : first blood comes on, everyone in the room must give a standing ovation from the beginning until the part where stallone pulls the guy off of a motorcycle then makes a shirt out of a burlap sack. then you are allowed to sit down. this will not count for anyone's one initiation.

"constructive criticism"

2010-09-17T22:15:00.001-07:00

peeps are out of work. just show up at a construction site! there's always space at the construction site!

these are the people i always see at every roadside construction site.

1. the guy who looks like he is about to do work - he is holding a jackhammer or something over a hole and looking down it. he doesn't actually do anything, but you assume he will be after you pass by. here's a little secret - he doesn't do anything.
2. the guy who supervises the first guy - he is usually wearing an orange jacket and a sleeveless t-shirt. he is basically an underpaid actor. he is acting like he is doing / has done anything and let me tell you he does a good job. they usually pick a guy who sweats a lot so it looks like he is doing something. basically his job is to wipe sweat off his brow every 2 to 3 seconds. this guy should win an academy award. that is filled with dynamite.
3. the phone guy - it wouldn't be a construction site without a guy on a huge zack morris phone. my guess would be that no one is on the other end. if there is someone they are probably saying ... "at the tone ... the time will be ... 2:01 pm". meanwhile our tax dollars pay for that phone call. the least he could do is call his mom. but that would be making good use of time ... now wouldn't it?
4. the guy eating lunch - no matter what time it is you can find a construction man eating a meal. 4 pm? no problem. 2 am? of course ... its time to eat. he has been working so hard. take a load off. get some rest.
5. the supervisor - the guy who makes sure the project doesn't finish on time.
6. cone guy - the guy who puts out all the cones 3 weeks before construction starts. this deserves a swift kick to the groin. ALSO, he puts out like infinity cones. as in like a cone every ten inches for 5 miles.
7. the guy holding the slow sign - if there ever was a job on earth that was unnecessary this was it. and it doesn't help that they typically pick the worst looking of the bunch. this is the equivalent of a concert venue hiring a guy to hold the lead singers microphone instead of ... i don't know ... putting it on a stand?
8. truck man - this is the guy sitting in the driver's seat of a truck. the bed of the truck has nothing in it. the truck itself hasn't moved in 3 days, and yet he sits, desperately awaiting the moment he can move it for the sake of his fellow workers. or maybe sleeping. ya it looks like he is sleeping. feet on the dashboard, windows down. our tax dollars hard at work.

i suppose all of these people could be explained to me by a construction worker who was a good debater. he could convince me that numbers 1-8 all were necessary or whatever. but he is forgetting about the last guy.

9. the guy that pushes me over the edge - this is the worker that is doing nothing and also doesn't even act like he is doing anything. he just stands, turns air into carbon dioxide and gets fatter.

i was going to write a tenth person, but the union told me i have to wait for a pay raise. i am going to post this anyway. to make sure people know i need a pay raise. or else i am not going back to work. in the mean time, enjoy this unfinished blog. target date to finish : july 2012.

people that come into starbucks

2010-08-17T18:53:00.000-07:00

i quit starbucks.

here is a list of the different stereotypical people that came in.

business jerk - walks in with some loser looking suit on talking on his phone probably to no one, saying stuff like "i told you i left the thousand dollar bill in the coat of my other bathrobe." and "yes, ill be right in, by the way you are fired. and go buy me a ham before you leave." Then they treat you like one of their employees, if anything goes wrong, they fire you with their eyes.

miserable mother - the woman who brings in 80 kids and orders a coffee and chugs it like she is snorting cocaine to rid herself of her problems. usually has bags under eyes and is wearing sweatpants. "hello, ive given up on life. can i have 27 chocolate milks and a coffee?"

guy trying to impress his girlfriend. muscle shirt. tattoos from the 90's. tanning oil. this is the guy that orders 5 shots of espresso to impress his girlfriend. but then you tell him a lot of people order that so he ups it to seven. then you say eight would be cool, then he orders nine. then he finds out that costs like 8 bucks but he acts like he doesnt care. he starts to cry but his tear duct muscles are so huge they explode.

frappucino time - kids that order milkshakes and think they are drinking coffee.

the "coffee master" - this guy's whole goal is to make you think that ordering anything other than straight coffee means you are a hippie and most likely a loser. he usually has the change counted out perfectly to prove he loves coffee. but what this actually proves is he is a cheap dork. his wife seconds this theory by looking disheveled and sad.

foreign dude. this guy has absolutely no idea what is going on ever. he orders things that arent on the menu or that dont even exist. example - caramel macchiato frappucino smoothie. or goat milk latte. "o you don't have goat milk? yak milk will be just fine. or rat. or i could just grab my goat out of my trunk and milk him for you?"

i work at starbucks now

2010-06-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

so this chick walks into starbucks and is like i'll have a diet coke.

then im all like yo lolzzz we dont have that

and shes all like ok ill have a regular coke then.

what a dummy!

o also, she wasnt foreign or old.

2010-03-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

yo you know what would be hilarious? if you walked up to a couple on a date in a park while they were sitting on a bench and totally slapped the guy right in the face. then while he was recovering you went in for a smoocharoo on his totally hot girlfriend but at the last minute you pull away and slap her too right on the nose. then you totally jet out of there. because the guy would be offended 1. because you slapped him in front of his girlfriend. 2. because you were gonna kiss his woman. 3. because you didnt kiss her... is she not hot enough or something? 4. he probably wouldnt be mad about the slap cause he probably wished he could have slapped her for the bad mashed potatoes she made the night before. they probably tasted way more like dirt than like potatoes. and she probably didnt understand when he told her that.

then like 2 hours later show up at their house (because you followed them home) with a nice Thanksgiving Turkey. tell them you are sorry and ask if they would please accept this gift. they probably would because they are probably super poor or at least super dumb. then you could sit in your car eating pop tarts and their house would blow up.

why?

because you stuffed the turkey full of dynamite.

yo that would be hilarious.

system for rating fat people.

2010-02-28T17:03:00.001-08:00

there are a lot of fat people. this worries many. it is sad that some people are so overweight, but when it comes to straight up lazy people who pack on the pounds and begin to look like whales, i say, why not enjoy it?

here is a fairly in depth system to rate fat people so that when explaining how fat of a person you saw to someone else, they can understand.

Level 1 - Guthouse. This term is used to describe someone who is generally fat or has just eaten a lot at a meal. Note: any person, no matter how skinny can be a guthouse, if you see them eating a buttload of food. This accounts for about 80% of fat people. Used in a sentence - That kid just ate like five ears of corn, what a guthouse.

Level 2 - McBeasthouse. This would be your run of the mill really fat person. McBeasthouses have typically eaten every different item on the McDonald's menu and their car would probably have 2-3 lbs. of uneaten leftover fast food in it. This accounts for about 12% of fat people. Used in a sentence - I thought that guy was 2 people, then I found out it was just a McBeasthouse.

Level 3 - MaBeastHouse. This term is for the fat person who gets a double look. Like you are walking through the mall and you see them in a huge gray sweatsuit and you just have to look back. Are they really that big? This accounts for about 6% of fat people. Used in a sentence - I wonder how many parachutes I could make out of that MaBeasthouse's Mu mu?

Level 4 - House. This person would give the response - "Really?" from most people. This is usually the fattest person you will see in public walking under their own power. If you see a house and they don't have food in both hands, they aren't a house. This accounts for about 1% of fat people. Used in a sentence - My first house wasn't as big as that House.

Level 5 - Behemoth. This person would captivate an entire room if they went in. People would be obsessed with figuring out how they are still living or breathing. A Behemoth in public is a rare sight indeed. My uncle said he saw a Behemoth on a waterslide. It collapsed moments later. This accounts for about 2% of fat people (rounded from 1.9999%). Used in a sentence - "Mommy, were Behemoth's bigger than dinosaurs?" The answer would be in most cases yes. Note: Behemoths can also be referred to as "Behes".

Level 6 - Moth. There are only 5 Moths living on the earth right now. There have only been around 50 in recorded history. Moths haven't stood under their own power for at least 10 years. Most have some type of glandular disorder. I heard about one Moth that got the side of his house sawed off and then taken by a crane to the hospital where he occupied 3 rooms and 5 nurses. And by "occupied" I mean he crushed them. Many scientists claim that there was a Moth in the early sixties who weighed 10,000 lbs. and was bigger than several planets in the then known universe. This accounts for about .0001% of fat people. Used in a sentence - I once saw a Moth. It ate my brother and several tourists.

Roidasaurus Meathead National League

2010-02-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Baseball is so boring. And lame. Plus like all the players take steroids. I mean roids. They are total roidasaurus meatheads. They often times walk out on the field then realize they still have needles in their biceps then walk off awkwardly to take it out. That is why I suggest the Major Leagues close down except the cool teams like the dodgers, the cubs, the yankees and the red sox and they open a new league called the Roidasaurus Meathead National League.

This would be a league where you can take as many enhancing drugs as possible and then play baseball. Except they would use a tennis ball so it would fly farther. Oh, and the bat would be made of Flubber. And at the end of every inning there is a cage fight between two of the players. And free hot dogs for everyone. And at the end of the seventh inning there is a steak eating contest by one player from each team, whoever eats the most steaks in five minutes gets two points free for his team.

Plus, if you get tested negative for performance enhancing drugs you get deported to Australia even if you aren’t originally from there.

And if your bicep exlodes you get extra points.

And if you have cork in your bat you get extra points.

And the winners get to punch the losers right in the face like 100 times really hard.

And the mascots are totally meatheadesque like the Chicago Steaks or the New York Bacon covered Steaks or the Seatle Fistfaces or the Los Angeles Knuckle Sandwiches or the San Antonio Nerd Bashers or the Miami Fake Urine Samples.

Plus free steroids for the first 1000 fans at each game.

And the LA Knuckle Sandwiches stadium is shaped like a giant steak.

atomic womb

2009-12-09T12:35:00.000-08:00

a lot of people called women a lot of things.

women
girls
chicks
females
ladies
lasses
dames
broads
honeys
bells
hens

etc.

i say we call them "wombs" instead. because they all have wombs. and men don't. i mean, some of those wombs are like dust-collectors, but a womb is a pretty cool thing and they should get more recognition. plus once we get bored with that we can change it a little and call them other stuff.

womb-bats. (pronouncing 'womb' just like you would if it was alone). calling a women a womb-bat would be hilarious but almost certainly end in a slap to the face. unless you said that wombats were the world's most beautiful creatures (which they are not, in any way) and that wombats like, i dont know, nurse their young while singing to them or some crap like that. women love trash like that. i mean, womb-bats love trash like that.

womb-stone. this is referring to a tombstone because dating some girls basically is like dying. if they ask you though, just say it refers to the tombstone pizza commercials from the 90's that everyone loved. this will certainly get them happy, if the womb-stone still isn't smiling, just be like, "man, you are the thinnest womb-stone i have ever seen!" she'll totally be pumped then.

if those don't work try these:

atomic womb
womb-as the tank engine
womb kippur

hello halloween

2009-10-31T10:59:00.001-07:00

i think the only reason people say "happy" halloween is because both of the words begin with the letters H and A. halloween is probably one of the least happy holidays there is. as evidenced by the lists i am about to make up:

most happy holidays
1. easter (for christians)
2. Christmas
3. new years eve (everyone is super tired on new years day)

least happy holidays
1. valentines day. has anyone ever been apart of a valentines day that wasnt a let down for everyone?
2. halloween.
a. kids get cold and complain while getting free candy (ungrateful).
b. old people get cold and complain because they have to keep opening the door to all these hooligan teenagers (crazy and confused).
c. parents get upset when they realize they can't get any candy when trick or treating with their young kids (plain old angry).
3. presidents day- surprised by this choice? who couldnt be upset on a day that is a combination of two holidays into one lesser day? i bet Lincoln and Washington are turning over in their graves. February was miserable enough as it is. What if someone combined Thanksgiving and Canadian thanksgiving? that would suck. im not sure why, but trust me it would.

suggestions for new halloween phrases
1. hark its halloween!
2. hello halloween
3. happy reformation day

butt ons

2009-10-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know underneath items posted on facebook is a button called "like". it allows people, like you and me to express their like for an item. the only problem with that is it doesn't allow the full range of emotions that i have to be expressed. i have come up with some ideas for some other buttons that facebook should include under posted items.

Don't Like Button - Ying and Yang. This button is obviously a necessity and it would be such a good way to let people see that fewer people like what they say than dislike. This would also be helpful when someone writes that they have a disease or broke their butt or something.

Awkward Button - This button is sorely needed in the facebook community.

I am surprised you think this is interesting Button - This is for people who constantly post meaningless events in their day like "Just took a shower!" or "Eating Lunch!!" or "I just saw a blue car". This would help people understand that they are not interesting. Another good name for this button would the You are boring Button.

Does everything have to be spiritual Button - This is for the guy who posts meaningless spiritual comments on everyone's statuses, calling into question how they use their time, what kind of movies they watch etc.

Shameless self-promotion Button - Probably the most annoying of all posts is the guy who is constantly posting about his business that clearly sucks, probably makes no money and is definitely going to fail. This could also be called the Pyramid Scheme Button. Remember when everyone was trying to sell Mona-Vie?

Why? Button aka Is this really necessary Button - People posting about their bowel movements or the bowel movements of close family members. I really saw a post that said "Thank God my Father had his first bowel movement in days". I agree God definitely needs to be thanked for that. But, facebook is not the place to talk about it.

Stalker Button - This is a helpful way to let people know they are trying to level jump your friendship. Maybe they push like on ten things you do in a row. Push this baby one time and they will definitely back off. This would be an embarrassment to the receiver. This button could also be called the Leave me alone forever Button.

Butt Button - This would be a button you would push to inform someone that they were being a butt head.

October Name Suggestions #3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

2009-10-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

Spocktober

Live long and prosper. Finally a month where nerds need not fear jocks. This month would be about celebrating Star Trek, computers, and thick glasses. In addition to this, every nerd, dork or dweeb will be given a water gun filled with pee to fire at jocks. Teach them a lesson they won't forget.

Hammocktober

Who doesn't love lying in a hammock. Maybe sipping a little l-juice. That's a new way to say lemonade. Lemonade is sweet. Why is apple juice not Appleade. That would be a sweet way to say it. Orangeade Grapeade Watermelonade. Here's my Hammocktober drink diary.
Hammocktober 1- Sipped Lemonade today. Decided to call it l-juice.
Hammocktober 2- Drank Grapeade today. Ingredients Grape Juice and magic.
Hammocktober 3- Sipped some l-juice then spotted a leprechaun. Formed a friendship.
Hammocktober 4- Shared l-juice with leprechaun who thinks it is named after him. I told him it was. I am not sure why.
Hammocktober 5- Decided to kick leprechaun in the butt because he was annoying and wouldn't give me any lucky charms.
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Shamrocktober

Celebrates the only thing good about St. Patty's Day - Shamrock Shakes.

Buttocktober

As in, sit on yours all month.

Pocktober

A month to honor the greatest of all quick foods, hot pockets.

In celebration the company that makes hot pockets, whatever they are, probably like awesome foods rainbows incorporated would like stuff 5 random hot pockets with prizes golden tickets that would give you a tour of the unbelievable hot pocket factory led by the old insane but semi-interesting owner of the factory Christopher Crust. Be sure not to drink any fizzy lifting drinks.

October Name Suggestions #1 and #2.

2009-10-01T23:10:00.000-07:00

October is boring.

I mean, can we wait the whole month for Halloween and then that is that?

Thats all October is willing to give?

I figure a name change is necessary to remedy this.

Jocktober

This is a month to celebrate meatheads and all the things they enjoy:

steaks; aggressively punching inanimate objects; running full speed into walls, trees or other people; listening to Creed; working, showing off and talking about muscles; punishing local nerds; and most importantly, firmly believing that all these things are impressive to women.

Perhaps a great day in Jocktober would consist of punching several cows to death, eating steaks made from them, while listening to Creed's greatest hits, then 7 hours at the gym, a rousing round of nerd bashing (in front of a bunch of impressed womens), then going home and sleeping on your floor, because you ate your bed earlier.

Socktober

This is a month to celebrate socks and everything they stand for; footwarmth, protection against athlete's foot (which is really gross), and I guess that pretty much all socks do, but still two things is alot. Thanks socks!

Also, in Socktober it will be common for people to wear socks on their hands and use them as puppets so that they can say what they have been thinking about people and not have to say it to them directly.

For instance, perhaps one (Steve) has been watching one (Diane) and thinks she's totally hot. Steve could put a sock on his hand and say to her in a muppety voice, "Hey Diane, Steve said you look hot today, Steve also said he looks hot today, Steve also said, perhaps you and Steve could combine your hotness on a date tonight." Which would probably totally sweep Diane off her feet.

Then Steve could show up to their date wearing socks under his sandals and Diane would be thinking, "Boy, does this guy know how to celebrate Socktober!"

Or perhaps Steve knows some meathead coworker named Kyle. Kyle is like pumping iron and eating steaks and he totally tries to punch Steve right in the kisser for no apparent reason. Well, the next day at work Steve could get up on the desk at a meeting with a sock on his hand and start talking in a meathead voice, and be all like "Hey look at me I am some jerkface named Kyle. I ate twenty steaks for breakfast, in fact I am eating a steak right now." Then Kyle would be all ashamed because he was eating a steak (but he would still finish it and also eat like 50 chicken legs and part of the table where he was sitting) and then Steve would continue in the meathead voice, "I know this is Socktober, but I thought maybe by punishing nerds and listening to 'Higher' by Creed at maximum volume I could make this Jocktober." Then Steve would get a huge hi-five from his boss, who was now also wearing a sock on his hand and they would join in together of a roast of Kyle the meathead. So then later Kyle would console himself by eating like 20 more steaks. And his office desk.

ssseeevvveeennn

2009-09-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

i like sevens that look like this. but what does the extra line signify?

theory #1 - the line is Seven's hands. this theory sucks. it is held by Danny Tanner and Comet the dog from Full House.

theory #2 - a seven with a knife in his mouth. Seven is a big fan of the movie Rambo. Especially the scene where Rambo throws a rock and blows up a helicopter. Maybe seven put a knife in his mouth to look like his childhood hero? This theory is held by Sylvester Stallone

theory #3 - Seven is a Frankenstein. enough said. This theory is held by the Boogie Man and Stone Phillips.

theory #4 - Seven is wearing a bow tie. Maybe seven looks like this on his way to a jazz club or maybe he is a secret agent. secret agent seven. and he is about to go assassinate 8 for trying to take over the world. but then 8 captures him and puts him on a machine where he is totally gonna die in like 2 seconds but then seven breaks out and punches 8 in the nose and narrowly escapes. that would be sweet. o ya and he totally kisses 6 at the end. This theory is held by Michael Jackson's kid who's name is Blanket.

theory #5 - it is a seven with a mustache. maybe seven is trying to hide from his ex-girlfriend 6 who is a total flooze by the way. or maybe the seven with a mustache is the other seven's good looking out of town cousin with an accent who scores all the chicks and then seven gets mad and sends him back to France.This theory is held by Uncle Jesse from Full House but not Uncle Joey. He was too busy saying cut it out to comment.

theory #6 - this is the seven standing at a basketball game doing the wave, he just has stubby little arms. This theory is held by Danny Devito.

theory #7 - seven's real name is steven. he wanted the line to make his stem look like a T so everyone would call him steven. maybe his full name is steven seven. that would be funny.This theory is held by me.

captain punch

2009-09-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

some dude in a baseball hat was casually walking down the cereal aisle with another dude in a baseball hat at a grocery store in a uselessly small town in south dakota. it was aisle 3. he looked at the other dude and said, "captain crunch sucks, it cuts up the roof of your mouth." the other dude laughed as if he was going to no matter how the sentence ended.

twelve hours later to the minute, all the lights in the grocery store were off. a moon-like glow covered the third aisle. a small leprechaun named lucky slowly peeled off the front of a box entitled "lucky charms". he shook and gained a third dimension. a bee with honey falling off his stinger did the same. the two met and hugged, excited about another night of mischief. they were best friends in every sense of the word. as they walked towards frozen foods, they discussed the dude in the baseball hat's comments. "Captain Crunch is going to be awful mad," said lucky. the bee nodded nervously. as they walked around the corner, there stood captain crunch. lucky swallowed, hoping his previous sentence hadn't been overheard. captain crunch had his typical mean face on. "hello fellow product sellers". "we're not product sellers" said lucky, "we are real people". captain crunch spoke softer like you do when you have something really important to say, "you, lucky, are only alive to sell sucky charms, and you the bee, to sell honey but cheerios." the words hurt them deep, even though they heard them nearly every night. tonight, however, lucky had had enough. "you... you... are..." he couldn't think of anything. captain crunch laughed condescendingly. all of a sudden, lucky wound up and punched captain crunch right in the kisser. lucky stood over the wounded captain and said "you, are, captain, PUNCH". lucky and the bee ran and flew over to frozen foods before the captain had a chance to respond. they stopped at the beginning of the aisle and talked to tony the tiger, he encouraged them to have a grrrrrrrrrrreat night. realizing they shouldn't have asked him for advice they kept running. just then, they heard captain punch enlisting the help of his friend the trix rabbit, who is dumb enough to be friends with anyone. the groups kept enlisting the help of character after character until the wee hours of the morning.

at the north end of aisle 3 stood lucky, the bee, tony the tiger, toucan sam, and snap, crackle and pop. facing them was captain crunch, the trix rabbit, count chocula and that super weird frog from the cereal smacks. captain crunch was embarrassed to have such a tool on his team but it was too late now. the lines charged at each other! toucan sam pecked the trix rabbits eyes out but then he was bit on the neck by count chocula. the honey nut cheerios bee stung the smacks frog in face several dozen times. the frog was just glad to have been invited (which he was not, he just showed up). captain crunch roundhouse kicked snap, crackle and pop all in the face with one totally sweet motion. tony the tiger fell asleep halfway down the aisle. lucky threw a bunch of magically delicious marshmallows at count chocula who died because he had diabetes. then it was down to the original three. lucky and the bee charged at the captain but stepped in a net that he had laid down as a trap. he took them on his ship and told them to walk the plank. as they walked towards their watery graves lucky turned around and said to the captain "i've always liked your cereal better than mine". (which was a lie). captain crunch was touched in his heart for the first time ever. but he decided to push lucky off anyway. lucky drowned and captain crunch asked the bee to be his friend instead. when the bee refused captain crunch pushed him off too.

the captain finished out the night by helping himself to a bowl of his cereal while sitting in his boat, a content smile on his face. then the smile changed to a frown. his cereal had cut his gums, really bad. he kept eating anyway and ultimately bled to death. this reduced his cereal sales because his corpse was on the cover of his box. everyone bought c3po's and vampire fruit loops after that instead.

moral: name calling, fighting and eating captain crunch all have the same outcome on life. which is death.

let me tell you a lil story.

2009-09-10T21:25:00.001-07:00

in the year one billion there was an election for president of the world. the fine citizens of earth went to their voting booths and pressed the voting buttons with their minds. no room for error that way.

the guy they ended up choosing was named Rob Bott. he was totally a hunk, super good-looking, huge pectorals and biceps. looked like that dude from terminator but way hotter. anyways, he began to appoint counsels to build robots for various functions in the world. everybody was super pumped because the robots were doing the work nobody liked, like wrapping up dirty diapers, throwing away dirty diapers by eating them, and making sure no one ever has to interact with dirty diapers in any capacity.

he also made the robots run on garbage and pee which was sweet because then everyone could stop dumping that stuff in oceans and the ground. everybody was super pumped about rob bott.

then once on tv rob bott was giving a speech about fire safey. everyone in the world was watching it on their brains. (thats where people watched tv in the year 1,000,000,000). anyways, rob accidentally lit his face on fire. then it melted off and all these wires and metal junk was exposed. rob tried to shield his hideous face but it was obvious, rob bott was a robot. the whole world got super ticked. he was arrested and scientists put a bunch of sensors in his butt that made him feel pain. then everyone in the world was allowed to kick him in the butt once.

from then on everyone hated robots a lot. our national motto was extended "in God we trust, on robots we spit." the american flag had one side with the stars and stripes and another side with a huge foot kicking a robot in the butt. also, the quarter had a picture of rob botts face on it. but his face was on fire. the general consensus was that robots sucked... a lot. everyone started calling them robutts.

McShort McStory

2009-08-26T20:46:00.001-07:00

Almost everyone in the United States of McDonald’s is happy these days. Everyone has a wonderful job. Some are clerks, some managers, some suits who make the big decisions. Some cow-slaughterers, some floor moppers, some delivery men. But all, big jobs or small carried with them a pride. They were helping people eat cheeseburgers.

Above all the jobs in the US of M is one called a thinker. It is what kids dream about becoming. A thinker is a person who sits in a room creating ideas to help people eat more cheeseburgers.

The world’s most renowned thinker is a boy named Ronald. He gets paid twenty six trillion McDollars an hour to sit in a red and yellow room and think. Plus, all the cheeseburgers he can eat. Ronald eats a lot of cheeseburgers. Good citizens eat a lot of cheeseburgers.

Ronald came up with the idea for the McCatapult. It is a device launches up to three cheeseburgers at a time from the top of your local McDonald’s directly into your mouth. He also came up with the idea for the McHat. It is a hat that has a cheeseburger on top of it. In case you get hungry. Style and substance. But that was Ronald, always one step ahead of everyone. He was truly a hero.

The day Ronald finally got the recognition he deserved was when he came up with his masterpiece, the double cheeseburger. So simple, yet, so perfect. Ronald was awarded the Nobel Prize for McPeace that year.

Today Ronald sat in his thinking room for 2 hours and then picked up a red phone next to him. He dialed on the yellow buttons. “I have come up with my best idea yet.” Within thirty seconds, eleven men in suits came to Ronald’s thinking room and gently knocked on the door. He let them in and offered them a cheeseburger. Only one of them was hungry but all of them accepted and ate with Mcsmiles. Ronald told them his idea.

“A triple cheeseburger.”

The eleven men immediately stood and slowly clapped for the boy. He truly was a genius. Five of the men teared up. Three smiled ear to ear. One picked up the phone and called his mother. One closed his eyes and looked like he was riding a rainbow. The final suited man just stood in sheer shock. It was the greatest idea in the history of the United States of McDonald’s.

a letter from the future.

2009-08-24T15:11:00.001-07:00

have low self esteem? low self-image?

throw those pills away, cancel all of those expensive psychiatrist visits.
try this on for size.

the personal letter from the future. imagine the greatest possible you from the future and write a letter of encouragement to your current self.

example 1.

Dear Kevin,

I know you are sad and fat. But I am from 2020 and I am writing to let you know that in 2 years science will invent a burrito that makes you lose weight. Then you eat too many and almost die. Then you balance your diet and you are skinnier than either Olsen twin. You also get scouted by the Major League's to be a catcher, but you decide you would rather party with your smokin' hot wife than be a lame catcher. Then the Dodgers offer you a position managing but you just tell them to give you a suitcase full of money instead. They do, then you pour bleach on their whole team's heads for no reason. Instead of getting arrested for this you get a free pitcher of Clear Coke (which is really popular) from the police, because the police in the future have decided to reward generally sweet acts of random violence. Also you come up with a sweet invention, robot hamburgers. Want to know how I know all of this Kevin, well I am you. From the future.

Sincerely,
Kevin of the future.

Example 2.

Dear Mike,

I know you are wimpy and girls find your face and odor repulsive. Don't worry. I know the following things will be true of you:
You will have the hugest muscles ever. And you will live to be 82,000 years old with usage of a robotic heart, lungs, brain, hands, feet, muscles, tongue, left eye, colon and eventually butt. Your right kidney lasts the whole time. Way to go. You will marry 99 smokin' hot chicks before you croak, each one more smokin' than the last. You live to see the first women, child, gorilla and alien president of the United States of America. By that time the country is called the United States of Bananamerica, which it is named by the gorilla president who's name I can't remember. I think his name was Mighty Joe Young or something. Anyways, don't worry, you also win the Stanley Cup, an Academy Award for Art Direction, and 3rd prize in a beauty contest.

Sincerely,
Mike from the Future.
Ps. I thought you should know that the movie Jumanji is really good. You don't see it til the year 2078 and you should probably watch it sooner. Your favorite part is when all the rhino's stampede through that library and almost kill Robin Williams.
Pps. Invest in robot hamburgers.

2009-08-07T09:53:00.001-07:00

lets say you're naked. lets say you put on a cowboy hat. i think you are more naked than you were before.

you are really drawing attention to yourself

lets say you're naked and wearing a cowboy hat. lets say you put on socks. i think you just got more naked.

wow, you are flaunting your body.

the only way you could get more naked would be to put on a leather jacket with tassels and go hang-gliding. or maybe horseback riding.

you are essentially parading your nudity at this point.

chef boy-r-me

2009-07-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

july 4. people eating ice cream and such right? here's a few ways to spice up the whole popsicle thing.

recipe 1 - "pop dog"
1. take a hot dog bun.
2. open the freezer and take out a popsicle (firecrackers work best for july 4)
3. remove popsicle from wrapping.
4. place popsicle between hot dog buns.
5. enjoy!

recipe 2 - "poppickle"
1. purchase jar of large pickles.
2. remove one from jar.
3. name the pickle you just removed. (mine was called george costanza)
4. freeze your pickle friend.
5. enjoy!

recipe 3 - "popsickle"
1. get sick.*
2. cough all over a popsicle for about 30 seconds.
3. let an old dirty stray dog lick the popsicle.
4. put popsicle on freezer. (this is when it becomes a popsickle)
5. wait until someone eats it.
6. laugh!
*you can do this by: a. sitting in a cold bath tub for the entire duration of the movie "gettysburg". or b. kissing someone who is sick. note: it is funnier if they are a stranger.

recipe 4 - "poptickle"
1. this isn't so much a recipe as an idea.
2. jab a popsicle into someone's side playfully.*
3. if they don't laugh call them a square.
*note: a poppickle or popsickle will also work.

live in the 22nd century.

2009-06-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

I started lifting weights in the shower. Why? Because life is better if you do as many things as possible at the same time. Pack your life full of activities then add on a few more. It’ll be better… trust me.

Instead of just watching TV, watch three TV’s at the same time, and each time any of them go to commercial, be sure to change the channel so as not to miss anything. Perhaps keep one screen on sports, one on comedy and one on a depressing daytime soap opera. That ought to keep your emotions in perfect balance.

Also, why not eat a huge sandwich while watching? I suggest one with ham, turkey, salami, American cheese, mustard, mayonnaise and a pickle. And maybe some roast beef too. And while your at the fridge grab a hot dog and a blueberry pancake, we’ll put those on there too.

While eating, why not also pull out your laptop and check your e-mail. Be sure to send your grandmother a quick note telling her how much fun you are having doing all these activities.

Bored? While eating, watching and checking, why not grab your Walkman and put one headphone in, some of the commercials are boring and it would be better if you had some music going on. Maybe grab that old Creed tape from the attic. Or maybe you should leave that up there and listen to something else.

While you are up for your Walkman, go ahead and grab that old footbath your fat uncle used to use. You deserve a break. Bathe your feet while watching, eating, checking and listening.

That’s probably enough.

Oh, your phone is ringing… better pick it up. It’s your good friend Joe, why not invite him over? And tell him to bring his chessboard so you can play a quick game while you watch, eat, check, listen and bathe. Maybe you guys could carry on a little conversation. Maybe about how you like your eggs cooked the best. You could say over easy and he could say scrambled. Then you guys could argue. While you eat, watch, check, listen, bathe, play and discuss. Maybe you could also pet your dog too. And feed your fish. And push a button that scratches your butt.

marco polio

2009-06-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was playing marco polo. that game is fun. for about ten minutes. then it needs some variations to keep it alive. i suggest you play marco polio.

1. when the person yells marco, yell marco back. it is surprising how annoying this truly is.
2. just start yelling 'polio' instead of 'polo'. it will get a few laughs (unless someone has a family member who died of polio) and it will annoy marco (the 'it' person).
3. say "o, that reminds me" then go get your phone and make a call. when you come back announce to everyone that your friend mark is coming over and everyone can call him marco polio. everyone will laugh, but then get super serious and say, "we can laugh now, but he really does have polio, so when he comes over, just play it cool".
4. when everyone looks at you weird just smile and say "i am excited too" then jump in, go underwater and swim away.
5. have a friend make red dots on his body then show up and get in the pool.
6. if anyone asks you if polio is contagious say yes. if they ask how say through water.
7. once the pool awkwardly empties, have marco polio cook everyone up some burgers on the barbie.
8. when no one else eats, eat a few burgers, then go to the bathroom and draw some dots on yourself. just a few on your neck or something, then come back, act like nothing is wrong and take down a few more burgers.
9. if everyone leaves at that point, just play a rousing game of marco solo.

goodbye old friend.

2009-06-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

my dog wants to become a vagrant. we had a sit down talk about it last night, but he wouldn't say anything... or listen. he just kept licking his paws and butt.

i caught him running away from our house last month with a plane ticket to hawaii in his mouth, but he just acted like it was a bone. i also found that he has been eating all his food lately. he must be stocking up on fat in case he can't find any pineapples or dog food to eat in hawaii.

last week he started tearing up our rug in an attempt to make a grass skirt of some sort. and, when i took him to pee on that palm tree in our neighbor's yard he likes to pee on, he refused and peed on my leg instead. but i might have just dreamed that.

plus, he was reading a national geographic on the history of the hawaiian islands. o, wait, maybe that was my mom. and, maybe it was a sears catalog. either way, that old mutt has been acting mighty strange.

i asked him why he wants to go to hawaii so bad and leave our family and he just told me that we were being too "rough" and he wants more "bark" in his life. i bet he saw some hot dog chick on tv and is going to chase after her. i asked him what island he was going to go to and he said "bow-wow". i haven't heard of that one, but, i am not up on hawaii these days.

Slap Surprise

2009-05-30T10:29:00.001-07:00

1. Everyone sits in a circle indian style.
2. One person is in the middle and "slap surpriser" for each round.
3. Whoever is slap surpriser stands up in front of the players and says this sentence.
"Everyone close your eyes and one of you will get a slap surprise."
4. The slap surpriser then gets to slap anyone of his choosing as hard or as soft as he wants.
5. Whoever gets slapped gets to be the next slap surpriser and can choose to pay back the person who slapped him or take out his agression on another victim.

- A great way to spice up a visit to an old folks' homes!
- Great for playing at a little kids birthday party... you can slap kids!
- Great for family reunions where there is hidden agression between family members!
- Great to play at a High School reunion... slap the girl who turned you down for prom! slap the bully who made you dislike yourself! slap the teacher who failed you in trigonometry!

Cinco De Lie-O

2009-05-05T05:05:00.000-07:00

I think a good way to celebrate Cinco De Mayo is to constantly reference it only pronounce it like the short form of the word mayonnaise. All day just walk up to different people and just start talking to them with sentences like, "Wow this is the best Cinco De Mayo ever." Then when they ask you why you are pronouncing it like that, just insist you don't know at all what they are talking about.

If that gets boring start celebrating Cinco De Lie-O instead. This is a day dedicating to making up things. Maybe go yell fire near a school or walk into an office building and tell someone their car got towed. If all else fails walk up to a stranger and insist that today is not Cinco De Mayo at all. No matter what he says, how much evidence he gives just keep saying this "No you jerk, today is NOT Cinco De Mayo". Perhaps you will annoy him so much that he will tear up. This is the perfect instance to say this phrase, "Yes, now you get it. Today is Cinco De Cry-o." The guy will probably freak out, which would be hilarious. Maybe he will even join in and tell you to Cinco De Die-O.

Later, if you get bored go over to your office and tell your boss he is wearing an excellent Cinco De Tie-O. You'll probably get promoted for that one. Then tell a story to everyone in your office about how Government spies from Mexico are called Cinco De Spy-O's. That's great water cooler conversation, and it only applies once a year, so be sure to use it today.

Everyone will be so pumped they will probably lift you up on their shoulders and shout for joy, "What a Cinco De Guy-O!"

Wanna have a good Cinco De Mayo? All you need is to Cinco De Try-O.

Abra Ka Landon

2009-03-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of starting a magic act. My magic name could Abra Ka Landon or Alandonkazaam or David Landonfield or Landini.

My tricks will be very creative, like nothing anyone has ever seen before, totally sweet. Like check this one out. This is how the show is going to start. I am going to walk out on stage, and then, while I am standing there, I am going to walk out on the stage again, like another me. Then like two seconds later, like 100 more me's are going to walk out on stage and we are all going to do a sweet dance routine in unison. I am not sure how I am going to do that one yet, but I am going to watch Attack of the Clones tonight and see if it gives me any hints.

Then, for my next trick, I will tell everyone in the audience to open their wallets, then they are all like what the heck nothing happened, then like all of a sudden spiders start crawling out of all their wallets and into their mouths, nasal cavities, ears, tear ducts and hair. The spiders are stinging everyone and the people are crying out spiders, sneezing them out and generally just hating life and me, then out of nowhere all the spiders turn into money and it starts flying out of all the people and into a huge bag with a money sign hovering over my head. Then I take the bag and give it to a bunch of orphans on stage. The whole crowd would probably start weeping for joy. I am not sure how I will do this trick either, probably will end up using dry ice or something.

If those two tricks bomb, I'll just start telling observational humor on stage.

**If someone who made balloon animals made a Unicorn, would they call it a balloonicorn?
**Do people cooking breakfast in Japan ever make Japancakes?

That would probably be a good finale.

Thrillinois.

2009-03-17T22:22:00.001-07:00

Today I started out in New Mexico. But it felt Too Mexico. I got depressed and felt Blue Mexico. I got sick from the food and began to Spew Mexico. I also figured out the riddle. It was Billy the Kid with the revolver in the desert. That was the answer to Clue Mexico.

Once that was solved I moved on to Texas. I discovered some dinosaur bones and called them T.rexas. Then I worked out, trying to get better Pecksas.

Then someone told me a Jokelahoma. It went over pretty well. The only problem is, no one there wanted to laugh, they had all recently gone Brokelahoma. They drowned their sorrows in Smokelahoma and sang Folklahoma until they Croaklahoma'd.

Boy, was I hungry. Luckily, Flansas was right next door. Lovely state.

Tomorrow we are going to Blissouri. It is a wonderful place. Only problem is, half the state is Blissouri, half the state is Dissouri. The Blissouri side has flowers, the Dissouri side has mean people at every corner who make you feel self conscious about your shoes. And your face. Maybe at the end of a long day, I can get a nice Kissouri.

Then home. If we don't get Killinoised.

Pearizona.

2009-03-16T20:40:00.000-07:00

I was in Arizona today. Arizona was terrible today. I am guessing it has been that way for a while. Here's a few wordplays to maximize your Arizona experience should you someday find yourself there.

1. If you are on your way to Arizona and you can't find it, either because you are incredibly dumb or you are mapless, simply ask a worker at a gas station... "Brother can you Spare-izona?"
2. Florida has oranges, Georgia has peaches, Washington has apples, Wisconsin has cheese. Arizona consider yourself among those ranks. Pearizona.
3. Ordering a burger? Try asking for it cooked 'rare-izona'.
4. Have a mullet? Sick of rocking the bowl cut? Try getting a new hairizona.
5. In the car? Bored out of your mind sitting in your chairizona all day? Try spotting mare-izonas out the window, maybe add some ribbons to your hair for some flairizona or play a game with your brothers and sisters in the car. How about truth or dare-izona? Or perhaps just look forward to your parents and tell them you care-izona.
6. World villains, why not consider Arizona for your hideout? You could call it your lairizona.
The majority of the state is covered with outstandingly boring desert. If the government found out where you were, no one would even want to come find you, and if they do just say "This isn't Fairizona!"
7. If all else fails, you could just run naked through the desert yelling "bare-izona!!".

i heart hats.

2009-03-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

dude, i love hats, because hats are sweet.

being a person wearing a cool hat can take a C- day and take it to a solid C+. there are just so many possibilities, cowboy hats, baseball caps, those crazy tall black hats that those unmoving english jerks wear.

they provide shade and style. hats can also inform strangers of what sports team you are affiliated with. and if thats not enough most hats come with a mechanism on the back where you can adjust it to fit your head, how generous. the hat has been sooo kind and giving to us as people. what more could you ask for?

nothing. hats were fine. in fact, better than fine, they were great, but then "the man" gets in on the whole hat thing. "the man" starts telling people that hats are disrespectful and you should take them off at church and at nice restaurants and at school.

if anything, when you want to be respectful you should put on a hat, because as i stated earlier hats are sweet. if someone ever came up to me and took off their hat in some feeble attempt to be "respectful" i would take their hat and light it on fire, symbolizing the fact that they no longer deserved the right to wear a hat... because hats are sweet.

Mr. Mustache.

2009-02-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

You never miss something until its gone.

I miss my stache. I have a misstache. I feel extremely naked mustacheless. Like that guy in Home Improvement who always hid his face behind junk.

I have started to create fake mustaches out of anything to hide the ugliness of my naked lip. The following is a list of things that could be well used as temporary mustaches.

1. Banana. Pros: Readily Available. Cons: Will turn brown after a few days. Nickname: Slippery Stache.
2. A Pez dispenser. Pros: some of them look like Star Wars characters. Cons: You will be very tempted to pull your stache down for a snack. Nickname: Snack A-stache.
3. Sai - Pros: Its ties to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the cartoon). Cons: Its ties to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the live action movie). Nickname: Teenage Mutant Ninja Mustache
4. Drum Stick - Pros: drummers are extremely cool. Cons: Splinters in your upper lip. Nickname: Ringo Stache.
5. Finger - Pros: most everyone has one or two. Cons: You will permanently forfeit the use of one of your hands. Nickname: Mr. Mustache.

Goodbye.

2009-02-24T07:30:00.000-08:00

dial m for mustache murder

2009-01-29T20:26:00.000-08:00

i could do it.

right now.

i could commit mustache murder

i have been staring at it in the mirror for hours upon hours deliberating. we have a love hate relationship. i love Ruben (that's my mustache's name) but Ruben also has quite a "good" relationship with some of my friends. i seem them staring at Ruben and i just want to die. i cant blame them though...he is beautiful. i see him staring back and it makes me so angry. i loved him when he was nothing more than 3 hairs, and now that he has grown up he doesn't care about me any more.

sometimes i feel as though he will jump right off my lip and onto someone else's beard and be in love forever.

i wrote him this letter last week and received no reply...

Ruben, i am sorry i can't grow a good beard for you to be in love with, i keep shaving it and shaving it hoping it will grow back "double time". i do so much for you! if i catch you staring at another beard, so help me.

i have a pretty face Ruben, i don't need you!

Love, landon.

if i can't have all of my own mustache's love then, i don't want him to live anymore.
i could just shave him right now! i could do it! i am serious!

i keep yelling at him to stop cheating on me but he never answers!!!

RUBEN! I could stab you with a razor right now. i won't even use shaving cream you promiscuous mustache! it is what you deserve.

to read more about my escapades with mustaches
click here
or here

tattle-sale.

2009-01-15T14:01:00.001-08:00

when a child comes to you in order to tell what another child has wrongly done to them, as an adult, your job is to refuse on the grounds that this child is being a 'tattle-tale'. if you don't you are failing in your job as a grown-up.

once the child no longer feels threatened by the phrase tattle-tale, i have come up with some variations that should keep them scared in their footie pajamas, or whatever kids these days wear.

tattle-tail. a movable limb which grows out of the buttox of a child caught in the act of tattling over a period of time. the tail is red and hairy, similar to the tail of a fox. any child discovered growing a tattle-tail will have to rip a small hole in all of his pairs of pants in order to let the tail have some breathing room.

rattle-tale. this is a species of snake, thought to be extinct, which inhabits certain parts of North America. they have been caught by Canadian trappers and trained to eat the toes off of children tattlers in order to keep them from squealing on their friends. catch phrase for the rattle-tale: 'Rattlers eat Tattlers.'

tattle-sale. similar to a garage or yard sale with one primary difference. instead of old moldy clothes and germ-covered childrens toys actual children are sold. but not just any children. all the neighborhood tattle-tales are rounded up and sold for two cents apiece to the traveling circus. the toeless children or children with tattle-tails are sold for one cent.

The Water Diaries. Day One.

2008-12-30T21:22:00.001-08:00

dear diary,

this morning i woke up and drank a whole cup full of water. and by cup i mean pitcher. it was so great. then like ten seconds later i drank another one, even better than the first.

then i was like wow, i need to pee so i peed into a toilet full of water. then i was like sweet i'm done so i flushed the toilet...guess what rushed in there? yep, water. water like totally has my back, it dilutes my urine. none of my other friends do that.

then i took a nap. on my bed filled with flippin' water. its called a "water bed". i invented it last summer.

then i went to school and drank out of a water fountain for like 2 hours and no one could stop me because i am the drinking fountain admiral, i have a badge to prove it. sometimes i make people i don't like only drink for like 2 seconds then i flash the badge and they move on. what better punishment for an enemy than a withholding of water.

then in class my teacher told me the greatest thing i have ever heard, i am made of water. i totally started kissing myself. she said we are all 75% water. i bet i am more like 85 or 90%.

my life goal is to become 100% water.

Merry Christmas.

2008-12-25T21:39:00.000-08:00

Click Here for a Merry Christmas.

(this will not guarantee you a merry Christmas, only a merry 5 minutes)

Jerry Jenkins Essay Contest Year 2.

2008-12-02T21:53:00.000-08:00

This is an essay I wrote this morning in about 45 minutes for a contest.
Last year I lost.
If I win I will be rich.

Every ounce of water you have ever seen is dead. Every spray of the shower, turn of the faucet, flush of the toilet. Every drop in every cup, glass, bottle, or jug on earth. Every wave of every ocean. Every splash in every sea, lake or pool. Dead water. Seventy-five percent of you. Dead water. Why is it dead? Well I’ll let Jesus answer that one. When talking to the woman at the well of dead water, He said,

“Everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst again.” (John 4:13-14)

Simply the well water was dead because it was not living. But more clearly the answer is this, the well water was dead because it was not coming from Jesus. She was living off of dead water. We all live off of dead water, physically. We need dead water to live. How ironic. But the reality is this, if we plan to live longer than seventy years, we are going to need a serious water upgrade. As in, this dead water stuff is nice for now, put a lemon and some ice with it in a cup and then sit in some of it heated up to 103 degrees. That works for a while. But…although the dead water is helping us live, ultimately, we are all dying and quick. Dead water is not enough. Dead water works for a while, but eventually we are going to need something else. Enter Jesus. Here is a guy who understands water. In John 4 Jesus is tired, just like we are, but rather than rush to the dead water, He gives a woman a chance at some of the good stuff…from His secret stash.

“If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked Him and He would have given you living water.” ( John 4:10)

I have lived a majority of my life, even time under the name ‘Christian’, living off of dead water. I spent too much time living off of dead water. I was much too concerned with existing physically. I was so caught up in the dead water cycle. Living for what’s dying. Jesus calls us to die for what’s living…i.e. Him. Don’t let the irony fool you into thinking this is a joke. Rather than live for what’s dying (my pride, my friends, my infatuation with Bob Dylan) I have decided to die for what is living. I used to think that dead water was enough. I was the woman at the well. But, Hallelujah, I was there at the right time, and Jesus said that all you need to do is ask.
Let me be more specific. I grew up in a Christian home. We listened to Christian music, read Christian books everything you would expect. And while all those things are good, sometimes a child can think that’s all there is to it. And I suppose I was one of those children. I had all those great things, tools to bring me to the well of living water, but I never drunk deep from it. I sat outside the well, slowly dying. There is so much irony here, it is laughable. I was dying, feet away from exactly what I needed to live. Well, I grew up, came to Moody and one day realized that I did not even truly know Jesus. I knew about Him, I believed in Him but I didn’t know Him in my spirit. I began to call upon the Lord, desiring to know Him, thirsting for that living water. God poured it out on me. I began to weep in Church, during prayers, when I was alone, out of thankfulness to God. No glory to me, it was a taste of the living water. It began to fill up my soul with sweet satisfaction. I began to write poems of thanks and praise to God, to pray for my needy friends and family and work for Him with joy. Now that I look back, I don’t know how I thought I could live without the living water. I have a taste for it now, couldn’t go back to just that dead stuff...no sir. Here’s one of the poems:

I prayed for the love of Jesus to fill my heart.
It flowed like water.
But this water was different. This was living water.
Filled my heart to the top. I no longer felt empty. Hallelujah.
But it didn’t stop flowing.
The living water spilled over the sides and hit my toes with a little splash.
It filled up my feet to my ankles.
And then my legs, my chest, then the living water spilled over down to my hands.
All the evil I had done with them was washed clean.
It filled up my arms, my neck, then my face.
It filled up my mouth, washing it clean.
Every condescending statement, every foul, filthy word. Gone. Clean.
But I couldn’t breath. I had to die to myself.
Then it washed out my eyes and my ears. Plenty to clean there.
Then I was full to the tippy top.
But it didn’t stop flowing.
The water poured from my mouth like a fire hydrant.
Rivers of living water.
I will never be thirsty again.

Dead water is all around us. I spend a few minutes each day cleaning myself with it. But the biggest event in my life, the turning point and the climax all rolled into one was when the Lord allowed me to see my need for living water. My need to die for what’s living. Now, I will never be the same again. Now, I am finally alive.

Dating Tips #1.

2008-11-19T17:10:00.000-08:00

Going on a date soon? Not going on a date but want to act like you are?

Enjoy the first in a series of tips on successfully dating.

Tip #1 The "To Do List".

Several hours before your date prepare a fake "To Do" list that will make you look like a very together and interesting person.

Here's what it should look like:

To Do Today November 18, 2009.
4 am - Run 11 Miles. One for each of my sisters.
5:30 - Return home to shower and get ready for day.
6 - Feed pet electric eel.
6:05 - Eat bowl of Wheaties.
6:10 - Go run 11 more miles.
7 - Brush and floss teeth.
7:15 - Get dressed. Be sure to look nice.
7:30 - Kiss handicapped cousin who you have taken care of for 10 years.
7:31 - Leave house in yellow Volkswagen Van from 1964 that is signed by the Beatles.
8 - Arrive at work at the Recycling Plant.
9 - Protest all the horrible people who don't love our planet.
10 - Receive Award for "Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence".
11 - Have an early lunch with a homeless man.
Noon - Eat some cake for dessert with Mom.
1 pm - Go back to work and hire like five people because business is so good.
2 - Look out window and see like nine rainbows because of incredible optimism
3 - Solve Super Hard Sudoku puzzle in like 2 minutes while also eating an apple.
4:15 - Call grandmother just to say hi.
5 - Should leave work but continue to work later because of commitment to job.
6 - Wash stray dogs in bathtub.
7 - Have friends over and eat salads.
8 - Watch an intelligent documentary about eagles.
9:15 - Have intelligent discussion on the economy with friends.
11 - Get to bed early ensuring a happy and healthy tomorrow.

Then when your done writing, place the paper in your glove compartment with a rose underneath it. When you pick up your date tell her there's a surprise for her in the glovey. She will assuredly pick up the note assuming its for her and then be totally super impressed by you interesting activities, general upstandedness, incredible handwriting, and your commitment to a healthy tomorrow.

Instructions on shaving.

2008-11-17T13:27:00.000-08:00

Today I shaved without once causing my face to bleed. Because of that feat, I am upping my status as a shaver from a Mid-High Level Rank "Two-Blade Tommy" to a Master Rank "Four-Blade Freddy". Now the only rank I have left is "Six Blade Sensei" I only know four people who have that rank and I am not allowed to share their names. In honor of my promotion I thought I would give shaving instructions to those who are less talented than yours truly.

How to Shave:
1. Remove cap from shaving cream can. You have no idea how many people try to shave without this step.
2. Push button on shaving cream can with an open hand underneath. Note: It is important to not be wearing your father's leather gloves during this step.
3. Lather into a rich creamy foam.
4. Apply to face everywhere except directly above lip.
5. Use razor to carefully remove all shaving cream.
6. Be surprised to discover that while removing shaving cream, you also removed excess hair from your face!
7. Run your fingers several times through your newly groomed mustache while staring stone faced at yourself in the mirror.
8. Put cowboy hat on head.
9. Spur up your tennis shoes.
9. Place toy cap gun in side and leg holster.
10. Morph face into a sort of confusedly happy grin.
11. Sit by side of road and "shoot" cars with gun.
12. If any cars come back looking for revenge for the scare, quickly mount your noble steed (your bike) and ride to the nearest alley yelling "Yippee-Kay-Ay!"
13. Ride back home avoiding any main roads in time for supper.
14. If anyone looks at you conspicuously, place finger above upper lip to hide your 'stache of doom.

Columbus Day???

2008-10-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ok.

Its Columbus Day.

Why?

He "discovered" America. Ok. We all know there was buttloads of Indians here partying like crazy since who knows when. Then Columbus shows up with three ships full of jerks and is all like, "hey ill discover this". So what lesson are we teaching kids by giving them school off on this day? Perhaps that saying you made something when you didn't is ok. Hello....plagiarism? Don't people get kicked out of colleges for that? If I was President of the Awesome Academy of America (Triple A for short) and that nerd Columbus went there I would totally kick his butt back to England.

Columbus was like an old-school version of Microsoft. He stole credit for land they steal credit for computer programs right?

Perhaps I should go lay claim to something that has already been discovered.

The Moon?
The Internet?
Al Gore might be ticked. Here's an inconvenient truth for ya Gore, you are a nerd.
America?
O wait, Columbus already did that, that's what ticked me off in the first place. Maybe I will put this junk back and say I discovered England, and Columbus' mom.

October Name Suggestions 1 and 2.

2008-10-01T13:09:00.001-07:00

2008-09-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

Knock Knock

Who's There?

Nine Eleven.

Nine Eleven Who?

I thought you said you'd never forget.

garage sales part two.

2008-08-18T08:42:00.002-07:00

so i was at this g-sale (that's a hip way to refer to garage sales), and i saw a bunch of legos for sale. so i thought i'd check them out. i was not pleasantly surprised because they were all dirty and gross. the kid had written right on the streets of his former lego city with a brown sharpie marker, what each store was. this made his town look pretty much like pooville. it was probably called pooville when it was at its prime. anyways, to make it worse one of the stores he had built and written on the street was an "Arby's". if you are building a lego city and you have the choice to put any sorts of buildings at all in the city why on earth would you choose an arby's? i can think of like a billion restaurants i'd rather go to. i have lived within a mile or two of an arby's almost my whole life and i have never once chosen to go there. as if pooville wasn't bad enough all ready he had to put a big fat Arby's right in the middle of it, like a big monument to everything pooville stands for.

and all the poos down in pooville
they went to their arbys and they ate
they ate food that was not great
and they joined hands to sing a song
but then they had to stop
because all the poos down in pooville
were puking their guts out in the arby's parking lot.

garage sales part one of two or possibly one.

2008-08-07T15:30:00.000-07:00

i like to go to garage sales. last saturday, during a four hour garage sale trek in rockford, michigan, i bought a sweet handmade leather wallet with an eagle stamped on it. the eagle looked so tight, like totally poised to go massacre some weiner who was poaching eagles in a national park. i can totally see this eagle jumping right off the wallet and pecking this poacher's eyes out. eagles are amazing. i once saw two eagles partying in a nest by a golf course in florida. they were probably announcing the round of golf via radio to any interested eagles. they were probably all like "and now approaching the fifth green is the most attractive human male specimen we have ever seen" and they would be talking about me. then one of them would fly over and give me a handmade invitation to a huge sweet eagles party that was going down that night. then i'd peace out my friends and go party with some sweet eagles til like 3 am, we'd be like playing risk and stuff and one stupid eagle would go for asia which is impossible to hold when i have australia which i would have then i'd totally destroy his wimpy yellow army and then burst onto the scene of europe and the eagles would be like whispering to one another "dude, this guy is tight, next time a quarter gets printed lets put him on it with us." and then they'd discover that i was using dice with only sixes printed on it and they'd kick me out of the party with their sharp talons, but as they saw me walking away kicking an empty can of diet pepsi, they would look down from their sweet nest made of garbage and smile.

the death of two hats: part three.

2008-07-11T16:23:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know, there have been two casualties in my family of hats. and they were both under ten years old. i know the average lifespan for a hat is only a mere eight years but still, i treat my hats like brothers, and to lose two in the span of a month is more than one can bear...

...almost abelesque (rest of this analogy to come)

sadly, my dad also lost a hat the same day i lost "red wonder" (R.I.P.) and we decided to both get new hats to commemorate and soothe our losses. what a great dad i have. seriously, he totally gets me. he rules, and he loves hats more than i do, being bald and needing the sun protection and all.

anyways, to fill the hat-shaped hole in our hearts, we each chose a new hat (pictured above) and i named my hat seth. although this past month saw the death of two hats in my life, it saw the birth of a new hat. and wow, it looks really good in that picture. if you can't see, its straw with a green stripe around the middle top and the rim. i love it. its also got a classic drawstring for windy days. tomorrow ill probly wear only seth and a bathing suit and walk down the streets of chicago playing guitar and harmonica, singing bob dylan covers, and wondering why in the world no one will give me any money. the answer my friend is blowing in the wind.

the death of two hats: part two.

2008-07-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

the second death in my hat family (hat pictured above) came late last week at Disney World. the proclaimed "happiest place on earth" is a haven for lost hats and heartache. i suggest someone make a new amusement park with the slogan "the hattiest place on earth" they can have hat themed rides and hat themed food, and everyone can get a free hat upon entry and exit. now that would be the happiest place on earth. i mean hattiest. well, i guess both. definitely both.

on the final ride of the day, the river raft adventure excursion or whatever, my dad and i took our shirts off to enjoy the feeling of processed water on our skin and for the comedic value, because another family was on the ride with us, and since we sat in a circle, everyone could see everyone.

anyways, the lame jerk watchman guy came on the intercom, thrice interrupting our ride and said "shirts and shoes must be warn at all times during this ride" clearly referring to us by the second time. we just kept on rafting away until we saw his lame jerk watchtower and he yelled to us as a last effort "c'mon, just put them on" my dad said it was a good idea to obey jerks, so i put the shirt over my head, but no arms through the armholes, as a protest. the guy then motioned for me to put my arms through the armholes, so i did just that. only problem was, that was right at the biggest drop, and when my hat ajarred itself from my head, my hands were too tangled to retrieve it and i watched my beautiful red friend drift under the waves.

i waited at the shores of the ride to see if it would come back to me, but alas, it was no good. i had lost a second hat in a month and didn't know if i could go on.

allow a moment of silence before the hats eulogy, please.

"Red Wonder"
August 2002 until July 2008
This hat lived a rich life, it seized every moment, went with my on countless trips and never complained a bit. Although it died prematurely and painfully, perhaps somewhere, the same moment, a new hat was born and it is bringing the same amount of joy and satisfaction to its owner, that this hat brought to me. R.I.P.

the death of two hats: part one.

2008-07-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

there have been two casualties in my family of hats. i am too sad to share both stories so i will share one.

if you didn't know i love hats, then check this out

death number one "drost"
i attended an event at the lovely park and recreation area called twin lakes earlier this summer. at the event, a child decided to poor a bottle of water on me.* i proceeded to fill up a huge water gun and chase him and his friends around for about a half hour spraying them with gross lake water. although i was drenched by the end, i taught them a valuable lesson. i cant remember what it is anymore, but i am sure that they do. they probably tattooed it on their foreheads backwards, so as not to forget the lesson. then the next day their parents were like, "whaaaaaaaaat?" (referring to their tattoos) and the kids were all like, "ya, crazy night last night, landon taught us a lesson we never wanted to forget so we tattooed it on our foreheads" and then the parents would be all like furious and stomp over to my house, and id probly be like eating a huge sweet manly breakfast like 50 eggs mangled with toast and like 2 gallons of orange juice freshly squeezed by some nerd, and they'd be all like, "fix this". and id be all like "aight" (pronounce ah-ite). then id go over to the kids houses with a cheese grater and a bunch of old beatles masks and be like "take your pick" then they'd choose the beatles masks and there would be only three of them, so i would be paul mccartney then we would be the best beatles cover band in the lower 48 states.

*im not 100% sure that it wasn't me that started it.

wait, what was i talking about? o ya, my hat. i left it on the ground during the water fight and forgot to pick it up. it was a great hat, it had an old boy scouts logo and i got it from a garage sale and the word "drost" was written on the inside of the bill. i dont know what that means. its probly german for awesome or something like that.

my absence.

2008-06-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

if you have been coming here, hungry for blogs, but find yourself unfulfilled because of my laziness and writer's block. i offer you a solution.

Check out my favorites of this blog since its inception, two years ago.

CLICK HERE

sneeze-allujah

2008-05-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

i would liken a sneeze to the feeling of being a ghost shot round the world and slammed back into your body in one tenth of a second.

let's be honest. sneezing rules.

however, there are two main sneezes you should avoid, to maximize enjoyment.

they have been nicknamed by scientists "the sneaky sneeze walls".

warning #1- the awol sneeze
watch out for this guy. the awol sneeze sneaks into your nose, most often when many people are around to witness. he then proceeds to contact your senses in a way to make you think you need to sneeze, then just at the last moment, when your eyes are watering and your nose is pointed toward heaven and the only thing you can think of in the world that you desire to do is rid yourself of this large, wondrous sneeze, he escapes from your body, leaving you feeling distant and isolated from the rest of the world. this sneeze has become absent without official leave. the only way a sneeze can "officially" leave is through your nose in a satisfying moment of snot explosion. if he sneaks out the side door...he has become awol.

warning #2- the cough wall
if you feel like to also have to cough right before you sneeze, be careful. those two bodily functions need to be separated at all costs. the sneezing into cough combination is like being shot out of a cannon through a beautiful breeze of rose petals then slammed into a wall full of barb wire, bricks, and bee stingers. all the goodness of a nice afternoon sneeze is exchanged for the cold pain of the cough wall.

to counteract these sneaky sneeze walls, use these helpful tips to improve each and every one of your sneezes.

tip #1- become a sneeze sheriff.
1. create a sneeze sheriff's badge. this can be made at home using cardboard and markers or a pre-existing badge of some sort (no one will be able to tell the difference).
2. make a utility belt to complete your uniform. you could use a belt of your dad's, old army equipment, or a fanny pack. be sure to include a holster for a pepper shaker. then at a moment's notice, de-holster and shake pepper in someone's nose to make sure the awol sneeze's plan gets foiled and he exits through the nose, satisfying the poor person.
3. carry around plenty of fake tickets and write up people for laughing at those suffering from the cough wall or the awol sneeze. be sure to make the fines huge. they won't be able to disobey you if your badge looks official enough.

tip #2- develop your sneeze song technique
when you feel you have to sneeze and its not awol and there is no cough in sight, you can improve your sneezes by taking the tone that you release from your mouth upon sneezing and by moving your vocal intonation up and down, create a sneeze song. you can create your own tune or use a universally recognizable melody.
suggestions for sneeze songs and worthy locations.
1. spice up a birthday party by sneezing in the birthday anthem.
2. play name that sneeze song with friends and relatives at a family reunion to show everyone just how much you've grown up in the last year.
3. make an encounter less awkward by turning your sneeze into the famous hymn "amazing grace" then afterward let people know that song was called "sneeze-mazing grace". if no one laughs, just yell "sneeze-alujah."

The Verbal Card

2008-05-12T13:11:00.000-07:00

once upon a time, i forgot to make my dad a birthday card. i thought i would be the loser of the family birthday. instead, thinking fast and creatively as my dad opened my present (which was wrapped in an old plastic jewel bag) i spoke a card to him out loud as if i was reading it from a page with as much feeling and enunciation as a junior high rendition of hamlet.

Dear Dad,
You rule.
Love, Landon.
ps. Happy Birthday.

it thenceforth became known as a verbal card and was a big hit with the family. people began to look forward to my verbal cards.

to my mother i said:

Mom,
What could I say to someone as wonderful as you? When I see other moms I think, wow they suck compared to you.
Love, Landon.

and to my sister Kristen

Kristen,
Happy Birthday. I like you. I like you so much, in fact that I am hereby dropping the in-law from your name. You are no longer my sister-in-law. Forget the in-law. As far as I am concerned, you are a sister only. And remember that, because if someone else enters our family that I don't like...the in-law stays.
Love, Landon.

if you find yourself cardless and in a hurry, i suggest you consider the verbal card as it is a cheap, affordable and often humorous option.

here's an extra tip:

first tries are never good. perhaps say you have to go the bathroom, then practice in the mirror a few times, then maybe take a crap because you are so nervous.

i am a scientist

2008-05-08T12:04:00.000-07:00

on wednesday of this week i began unexplainably needing to blow my nose, at first 1 to 2 times an hour and escalating to about 60-70 times a minute. i have no known allergies and i was confused as to where this nose blowing necessity spouted from.

earlier this week i began forgetting to zip up my zipper following going to the bathroom. this is a task i am usually flawless at. (maybe i forget once every 100 bathroom trips) but i actually forgot to zip three times in one day. the odds of that are staggering. but so are the odds of evolution and we're seeing the effects of that every day right?

ladies and gentleman, i would like to suggest that these two events are related. so related in fact that one is the cause of the other. every action has a cause correct? for instance if your nose was bleeding, wouldn't you assume that either you are a nerd or you were just punched in the face? or if there was an amazing universe filled with extremely complex organisms wouldn't you assume that some sort of intelligent being created it all for a higher purpose? i would like to suggest that my forgetting to zip up my zipper caused me to have a runny nose the following days.

i am suggesting that i am allergic to my own stupidity.

i see no other possible cause for the speedy running of my nose.

ladies and gentleman, i am a scientist.

my 9 is broken

2008-04-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

To show someone the power of my indestructible cell phone, I dropped it on the ground from about 5 and a half feet up, then picked it up and went on my way. Later I realized, while attempting to dial a number that my 9 key was no longer functioning. I figured this wasn't the end of the world, because I have the numbers of most friends and family saved in my phone. Then I realized that I also send text messages regularly to those very same people. The nine key doubles as W, X, Y and Z for writing text messages. Writing abbreviations is my specialty, but losing the W is a big loss. I wish the 9 key was Q, X, Z, and Q instead. But I can't change what has happened. So I have come up with a list of ways to rewrite words without W, X, Y, Z.

Hints:
1. expand your vocabulary, words can be fun!
2. spice things up...use two v's instead of a w!
3. unbeknownst to many, the letter "U" can be substituted for the word "You" as they have the same phonetic sound.
4. if you need to write someone's name with a missing letter, come up with a quick creative nickname, like if you needed to reference Waldo from "Where's Waldo" you could say "that missing nerd that parties in big crowds in remote locations".
5. change languages on people to get more use out of the letters you have that do work. i.e. if you want to say "Where are your pants?" you could say "Donde esta tu panatalones?".
6. if you need to say "Examine Your Zipper" to someone, maybe just remain silent, and laugh quietly behind the person's back.

This Tournament Sucks.

2008-04-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

The winner of the Tournament of things that Suck is:

The Tournament of things that Suck.

Let me explain. I read over my entries in the tournament series and realized they weren't that good, funny, or well-written and I'd rather write about other things, like the nine on my phone isn't working right now. Plus the tournament generated very little buzz.

So the real winner of the tournament of suck is: Me...because I wrote the whole thing, even though I kind of ripped it off a similar tournament I heard was on sports radio. I guess its better to win something than nothing. Not many people can say that they've ever won a tournament...but i can. It was just a tournament of things that suck. I should probly reward myself. I think i'll go take myself out for some ice cream right now for winning this tournament. I've earned it. Go me. I mean look at me in that picture...does it look like I care?

Match Three.

2008-04-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Osama Bin Laden vs. Babies with Pierced Ears.

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Osama Bin Laden sucks. He is one of the world's most recognizable faces and he ruins it by being a huge jerk and hiding somewhere where we can't find him, even though the USA has satellites that can differentiate between male and female ants.

Maybe everyone in America should join hands and walk across the Middle East until someone bumps into him. Or maybe we should act like we aren't looking for him anymore, run a bunch of fake news reports saying we don't care where Bin Laden is, and then right when he comes out of his cave, we grab him.

Suck Rating:
General Suckiness: 9/10
Personal Proximity: 3/10
Universal Appeal: 9/10
Overall: 21 Suck Rating.

BABIES WITH PIERCED EARS

Let this be clear. I love babies. I can't get enough of the general company of babies. In fact I currently plan on having several of my own someday. The problem with babies is they can't just take care of themselves, I couldn't when I was a baby and I am ashamed of that fact. Since they can't, their parents have to do it for them. And some parents are idiots. I've seen a guy with kids on a leash for goodness sake. They often make poor fashion choices also. Like piercing their ears. And the dumb parents don't get baby sized earrings, they get full sized earings which is the equivalent of me wearing a laptop computer from each of my ears. More or less. If they want their baby to look terrible why don't they just say so? Because if thats what they want, they can give me five bucks and i'll come to their house, pierce their babies' ears, make him wear a short sleeved shirt with a tie, paint his nails black, give him big thick Harey Carey glasses, put a Michael Jackson white glove covered in rhinestones on one hand, make him wear sandals with knee length socks and checkered shorts, give him one of those lame chinese symbol tattoos on his neck and a chain wallet. Chain wallets suck, they should have been in this contest. But so do babies with pierced ears.

General Suckiness: 5/10
Personal Proximity: 5/10
Universal Appeal: 5/10
Overall: 15 Suck Rating.

Osama Bin Laden will be tough to beat. He moves on to the next round.

The final match in the first round will be Wisconsin vs. Necco Candy.

Match Two.

2008-04-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

Todays matchup:
The Current Price of Gasoline vs. Seniors who still drive.

THE CURRENT PRICE OF GASOLINE

What is more consistently frustrating to the American people than the current price of gasoline? Here's the worst part about it, we've been paying more than $3 for gas for so long that when it goes below the three dollar mark everyone is happy about it.

No, i refuse to be happy, or even smirk until the price of gas is mere cents per gallon. Why? Because i fail to see why gas is worth much more than that. My car is sick of exclusively drinking it and it tastes terrible to me.

Why should gas cost so much more than other liquids? Water costs nothing for a gallon if you drink from a water fountain and pennies per drink if you purchased completely "purified" water. And i think we would all agree that water rules way more than gasoline. What about milk? Milk is sweet and tasty and requires a lot of work to get to the store (milking, pasteurizing and bottling) and it still costs less per gallon than gasoline.

Or

How about we make cars run on something that we don't want, like garbage or urine. If cars ran on human or animal urine, two huge problems would be solved. C'mon scientists, stop working on hydrogen fuel cells and make cars run on urine and garbage. That would be sweet because i've always wanted to pee in a gas tank with no repercussions.

Suck Rating:
General Suckiness: 8/10
Personal Proximity: 8/10
Universal Appeal: 8/10
Overall: 24 Suck Rating.

SENIORS WHO STILL DRIVE

I love old people. I went to see the movie "Young @ Heart" last night. It was great. You should see it. But if you go to see it, don't sit in the passenger seat if a senior citizen is driving, because steretypically and truly, Seniors are not good drivers. I feel like if i go any further into this topic, my Grandma will be offended so i'll leave it at this.

Suck Rating:
General Suckiness: 5/10
Personal Proximity: 5/10
Universal Appeal: 5/10
Overall: 15 Suck Rating.

My general unexplainable love for old people couldn't be overcome the current price of gas moves on to the next round.

Be sure to check back for Osama Bin Laden vs. Babies with pierced ears.

Match One.

2008-04-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

The premier match in the Tournament of Things that Suck is

People who "Don't watch TV" vs. My Roomate's Chair.

My Roomate's Chair.
Coming in at the eighth and final seed is my roomate Cal's desk chair. This needs a little backround. First of all i've been Cal's roomate for almost 2 years and he has always had this chair. Second it has always been broken. The backrest and seat are not connected and they always fall apart, leaving a large metal sharp rod exposed. I'd say at any given time while sitting in the chair you have a 10% chance of causing damage to your spine. Often when Cal is out of the dorm room, my other roomate, Daveo (whom I give credit to for these ideas) and I spend our time ridiculing this piece of furniture garbage. Third, it clearly at one time was a very expensive nice chair, it has nice back contours on it, now it is merely a piece of trash. It is so useless and annoying that it deserves to be lit on fire and pushed down the street during a parade with people booing it severely and throwing rotten fruit and vegetables at it.

Suck Rating:
General Suckiness: 6/10
Personal Proximity: 10/10
Universal Appeal: 2/10
Overall: 18 Suck Rating.

People who say they "Don't watch TV".
People who say that they don't watch TV suck, that is almost indisputable to me, which is why i seeded this type of person as number one, the highest seed in the tournament. Let me see if I can explain why these people suck so very much. I would say this is the main reason: because people who "don't watch TV" can't just not watch TV, they have to supposedly not watch TV then fill you in that fact without any inquiry on a third parties part. Most of my contact with these people has been such:

Me: Have you seen the new 'Office' episode? It was hilarious.
"Doesn't watch TV" guy: Uh...I don't watch TV.

They can't just say no. No would suffice. But instead of saying 'no' they fill you in on the lack of TV in their life as if they think that I am interested in that fact. They must think that i or others will like them more if they tell us this fact about themselves. I can't speak for others, but I, for one, like these people less because of this fact. TV rules. When someone says they don't watch it, i say why? TV rules. How could you not love TV? They must have never seen it in the first place because Television is a love at first sight situation. How could you have seen TV and not love it? let alone like it? let alone just watching it from time to time? I bet these people like nothing, I bet if we were walking at night in Canada and I was like "look its Aurora Borealis!!!" they'd be all like "I don't like Aurora Borealis" and i'd be like, just tilt your neck and look and I promise you will not regret that decision, but they don't have the guts, they don't care about something great that they don't even know. They are like agnostics. We'll change it though a little, and call them 'Telenostics'. So next time someone says they "don't watch TV" simply reply "you my friend are telenostic".

Suck Rating:
General Suckiness: 9/10
Personal Proximity: 8/10
Universal Appeal: 8/10
Overall: 25 Suck Rating.

Winner: People who "Don't Watch TV".
Come back soon for The Current Price of Gasoline vs. Seniors who still drive.

Tournament of Things that Suck.

2008-04-04T11:02:00.001-07:00

Since I was in Israel during the start of the College Basketball tournament this year, I have had a record low interest in the whole ordeal. Thus, I have decided to make my own tournament.

It is called the Tournament of Things that Suck. Idea credit to my brother Luke and a Google search of "things that suck".

If you can't read it, we'll have some great matchups this year.

People who "don't watch TV" vs. My Roomate's Chair
The Current price of Gasoline vs. Seniors who still drive
Osama Bin Laden vs. Babies with Pierced Ears
Wisconsin vs. Necco Candy

Check back each day for a new matchup, if all goes well maybe i'll add another bracket.

Thanks to http://www.mindspring.com/~rtbrain/suck.html for ideas on things that suck.

April's Fool.

2008-03-31T21:07:00.000-07:00

Beware: April Fool's Day is tomorrow. My friend, don't become April's Fool. Friends, relatives, acquaintances; all have the capacity to morph into tricksters tomorrow. Tomorrow may as well be called national trickster day. The tricksters will be trying to get you to trip, slip, whatever...all to make you look bad...all to make you...April's Fool. Beware: Tricksters come in all shapes and sizes. Someone can begin the day as a normie (a non-trickster) and suddenly change into the deadliest of all tricksters. Its a common trickster pattern called "The Bait and Switch" many will fall to that tomorrow, don't let it be you.

Several Tips for a happy healthy April Fool's Day.
1. Bring a foghorn in your bag to alert the police to any tricksters gone to far.
2. Take airport level care of your bags and especially your lunch.
3. Don't believe anything anyone says. Not even your own mother.
4. If you see a woman crying, take a moment to laugh at her.
5. If you come in contact with someone who's birthday it is, go to great lengths to make their birthday awful, by constantly insinuating that it is not in fact their birthday and that they are, as a person, a joke.
6. Avoid areas where if pushed you would experience death i.e. the railroad tracks, a frosty mountaintop, a large bonfire, or a gas station bathroom.
7. Obey the golden rule of April Fool's Day,
"Poo onto others, and don't have others poo onto you."
8. Remember, what happens on April Fool's Day stays on April Fool's Day.

Dancing in Israel.

2008-03-25T13:34:00.001-07:00

Jesus loves me so much i can't stop dancing
my arms won't stop waving
my shoe fell off and i'm not going to put it back on
sweat was dripping down my back so i took my shirt off and tied it on my head
i fell down and scraped my elbow
i think of how you saved me and my heart is filled with love and my hips shake
my lips cant stay closed
i shout
hallelujah
hallelujah
thank you Jesus.

Happy Leap Day!

2008-02-29T23:41:00.000-08:00

I am hereby adding a holiday to our already dreadfully long list of holidays. It is merely a greater celebration of an already existing day in the calendar called February 29th. The holiday will be called Leap Day, and it will be the greatest holiday ever, even better than the holiday I tried to invent last year called Super Duper Blog Day which never quite panned out because a lack of hustle on the participants part. Anyways, here is the general feel for Leap Day.

The Articles of Leap Day.

A. The official color of Leap Day is purple. The color purple rules and needs to be once again associated with awesomeness like it used to be, such as when huge powerful Kings wore purple robes all the time and told all the peasants to work for them day and night and they did, without question.

B. There aren't any official festivities of Leap Day other than wearing purple but, people in past Leap Day celebrations have been found doing the following awesome activities in celebration:
1. Driving ice cream trucks around the city playing "Magical Mystery Tour" out of the speakers on repeat.
2. Making extremely innapropriate, insensitive jokes about the 1996 Atlanta City Olympic bombing.
3. Washing the feet of the elderly for two pence a foot.
4. Taking pictures of cute babies and posting them all around town with the words "Babies Rule" written in hieroglyphics underneath.
5. Creating exciting chants and dances involving the general praise of Leap Day and anything associated with Leap Day.

C. Anyone caught in the act of speaking out against Leap Day will be imprisoned in a smelly outhouse until the next Leap Day. That'll teach him.

D. Because it is only celebrated every four years this day will be compared with the Olympics alot, so we are going to need to trash the Olympics and talk about how lame it is every chance we get. (see Article B-2).

tattle-sale.

2008-02-08T12:51:00.000-08:00

Grandma of the Future.

2008-01-19T13:47:00.000-08:00

BREAKING NEWS:
I have just received two e-mails from my grandmother dated Sunday, January 20, 2008. FYI today is the Saturday the 19th!!!!!!!!!
Judging from the evidence i have drawn three remarkable conclusions.
1. My Grandmother is somehow living one day in the future.
2. As of tomorrow, computers and the internet will still exist, because that is how she has chosen to contact me.
3. I don't think she has yet realized she is living in this world of tomorrow because she didn't mention it in either of her e-mails...she must have known this fact would terrify me.

It doesn't all have to be bad, we can continue to keep in touch over e-mail and i have already made up the following list of three jobs to keep her busy.
1. Please let me know which items at the grocery store are about to go on sale, so i don't purchase them the day before.
2. Keep me updated on who dies each day and where, so i can make reckless trips across the country to save people's lives and become a national hero.
3. At the end of the day maybe she could leave a little candy on my pillow, so it will be there when i wake up.

I've also come up with three additional reasons to try and keep her living in the future, when she inevitably begs me to help her come back.
1. Her and Grandpa can technically still keep their record setting 50+ year marriage alive, with no risk of divorce, because, if they don't see each other, there will be no room to argue.
2. I need her there to let keep me updated on the styles from the next day and warn me about any bad haircuts i'd be about to receive.
3. We can exchange endless quotes from the hit trilogy "Back to the Future" and laugh until we cry.

Bloggies.

2008-01-06T21:11:00.000-08:00

If i really had faith that this was a good blog I wouldn't post this, but I don't so here it is.

There is an award called a bloggie given to bloggers every year in many categories. If you would like to see me win that award, feel free to head on over to this site and nominate me...you dont have to sign up or anything, just verify the ballot on your email when finished. If i win, then i promise to write, more better, serious blogs about intense issues in politics and the race for the presidency, or ill just write about chocolate cake and how i love it, because its good.

Thanks for coming to read in 2007. It was a great year.

You have from now until Friday night to vote. Thanks, lets rig this competition together and then bask in the glory together.

Heres the link:
http://2008.bloggies.com/

The Water Diaries. Day Two.

2008-01-01T11:41:00.000-08:00

dear diary,

today was the best day of my life.

i was playing madden 95 on my super nintendo and i won the superbowl so i dumped a jug of water on my own head.

then i went outside and slipped and fell in a puddle.

of water.

then i rolled around in it for what seemed like only a few moments, but soon enough it was dark outside so i ran home.

then i filled up the bathtub put on my snorkel and slept underwater.

The Second Noel.

2007-12-23T21:57:00.000-08:00

Today i was singing the beloved Christmas Carol "The First Noel". With a cast of killer characters and an excellent rhyme scheme and melody, this song is a major winner, but i can't help but have a few questions.

First Let's meet the Characters:
The Angels: They inspired the phrase "____ has a voice like an angel"
The Shepherds: They were laying in a field unaware of the the noel coming their way.
The Wise Men: Better late than never, they show up fashionably late to the manger and the song, in the not commonly sung 3rd and 5th verses, but they do know that there's no party like a party with Frankincense.

Question #1. The shepherds were 'laying' while watching sheep. i dont know about you, but i cant watch anything but the inside of my eyelids while i am laying down. So my guess is that they were pretty sketchy shepherds. They also had the nighttime shift on Christmas Eve, who wants to work then?

Question #2. Why designate that this noel was the 'first' one if there never was a second one? were these angels thinking there was going to be a sequel, but it just didn't end up happening? maybe they were thinking there would be a noel trilogy, and it would be a big hit in Bethlehem and then spread all through Israel topping the charts? Or, Maybe they just did their best on the first noel and decided there was no need for a second. Maybe Hollywood should refer to this instance when they are deciding whether or not to make garbage sequels.

Question #3. Maybe I should have asked this first...what does Noel even mean? If it means Christmas rules, then definitely, right on, Noel, you are totally right. Christmas does rule. And so do you, Noel, you rule too.

happy pranksgiving.

2007-11-23T18:40:00.000-08:00

mustache prejudice

2007-11-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

a woman that i know personally refused to use my spoon at lunch several days ago on the grounds that, "my mustache freaks her out."

having a mustache isn't easy. no wonder so few teenagers have them these days. i'd say you have to be at least 27 to handle all the difficulties that come with having a mustache.

difficulties.
1. drawing a fake mustache on your lip is no longer funny.
2. people think its their mission in life to let you know their opinion of the 'stache.
*To them i say this: people with mustaches don't care what anyone thinks.
3. the majority of women treat you like a second class citizen.
**sifting the chaff from the wheat**
4. people stare at you like you have a forest fire under your nose and you can't smell it.

pros of the mustache life.
1. makes you look like you got something to hide.
2. very reminiscent of the 70's which everyone knows was a great decade.
3. it becomes easier to hang out with adults at parties.
4. men admire your courage.
5. what better way could one use the space between his upper lip and nose?

hello halloween

2007-10-31T14:29:00.000-07:00

weinersconsin.

2007-10-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

ive thought of an invention. its called the wiener meeter.
the wiener meeter would probably work on a scale from 1-100 and it tell you how many people out of 100 were wieners in a percentage format. all you need to do is point the wiener meeter at the place or people group or area you are trying to investigate. after several minutes the wiener meeter would print out a piece of paper telling you the percentage of wieners in that given area. this device could really help you.

suggested areas of investigation and estimated quotient.
1.the superbowl-8%
2.the CFL superbowl-50%
3.a U2 concert-17%
4.a Keith Urban or Backstreet Boys concert-64%
5.A mall in downtown Chicago-19%
6.A mall in any city in Wisconsin-68%
7.people on vacation in Hawaii-25%
8.people on vacation in Wisconsin-71%
9.the 98 World Champion Chicago Bulls-1% (for Dennis Rodman)
10.the Green Bay Packers-75%
11.Earth minus Wisconsin-12% (Russians are pretty cool)
12.Wisconsin-80%

Wow, there you have it. My new invention has really helped us find out where the most wieners are and thats not even what i was planning to do with it? Man i loooove this invention. NOTE TO SELF: DONT GO TO WISCONSIN. i think i might tattoo that on my forehead. anyways. Now that Wisconsin has been exposed as the wiener capital of the world...what will we do about it? i say we send a bill to congress ordering Wisconsin to change their name to wienersconsin with an uncapitalized w. and change their capital city Madison to Wienerville with a capital W or Wienertown or New Wiener or something like that.

go here for the rest of the state blogs.
http://lalalandon.blogspot.com/search/label/States

hockey fawn.

2007-10-07T08:57:00.000-07:00

while driving home last night i saw a license plate that read

"hcky fn 2" with a handicapped sign at the beginning.

using my one year of college education i would assume this stands for "Hockey Fan 2"

1. im glad to know that hockey fans in illinois are still in the single digits.
2. maybe he got handicapped while playing a friendly game of backyard hockey.
3. he was also driving slow, probably because he is lame, which most likely stems from his love of hockey.
4. i also noticed the car was black, which symbolized the black spots in hockey players mouths where teeth used to be.

up until this point i have assumed that these letters stood for Hockey Fan #2.
but i'm not completely convinced that this is the case.

maybe it stands for
hockey fun? no, because hockey is not fun.
hickey fun? maybe, but i hardly think getting playfully bitten on the neck is any fun. unless you are a vampire.
hokey fun? a misspelling of the work 'hokey' from the hit game hokey pokey?
hockey fern? a possibility because hockey is about as boring as a fern. and ferns reproduce asexually like hockey players.
hockey fawn? yes. a cartoon movie about a fawn who is clumsy and self-conscious and his mother dies and then he finds out about the sport of hockey from a rabbit and trains and wins the forest championship. hello disney? call me, ill write up a screenplay for you. it'll be the biggest hit since Cinderella 3.

im out of fruit snacks.

2007-09-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

i just returned to my room after a long day at church and seeing rex grossman prove yet again what a useless human being he is only to find myself completely out of fruit snacks.

to those of you who aren't sympathizing with me i offer you two rebuttals.
1. i havent been out of fruit snacks in a really long time. because you see, during my last purchase there was a ten boxes for ten dollars sale each of the ten boxes containing ten pouches of approximately ten fruit snacks each. so after eating 1,000 of these "snacks" i have become used to their taste and availability.
2. fruit snacks are up there with unicorns in terms of representing magic in my life. biting into the jolly taste of a fruit based snack is similar to the feeling many of you had when you shot your first deer or the first time you saw Home Improvement, you didn't know how much it meant at the time, but you knew it was important. i get that feeling with every bite of a fruit snack.

because of this tragedy, the phrase "out of fruit snacks" will now officially refer to times in my life when i perform poorly in a given situation.

examples.
1. i am playing on my intramural volleyball team and serve the ball out of bounds every time i get up to serve the entire season. three times in front of my own mother. i am definitely "out of fruit snacks" in the game of volleyball.

2. i take a girl out on a sweet date to McDonald's only to realize that i have forgotten my wallet, not wanting to look stupid, i turn the whole event into a spiritual matter and say i am going to live with the homeless for the rest of the night. then she replies that that is a great idea and i am forced to do as i said. that date is officially "out of fruit snacks".

3. i arrive at the office on a tuesday morning only to realize i am not wearing pants. since i took the train i have no choice but to sit at my desk the entire day and never stand up. my day is obviously "out of fruit snacks" at this point.

4. i write a blog and im not sure if its funny or not because i am tired, hungry and out of fruit snacks. i decide to post it anyway because i haven't posted a blog in more than a week. will i be out of fruit snacks now? only time will tell my friends.

dippin' dots the ice cream of the loser.

2007-09-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

dear dippin' dots,
i have several problems with the sorry excuse for a product which you call "the ice cream of the future".

first. your ice cream burns my mouth.

second. why has this been the ice cream of the future for the last ten years? shouldn't this be officially the ice cream of the present now? i'm wondering if your crazy lab scientists have come up with anything new, or if the current generation of your product burned their mouths so much with its dry ice like nature that they perished in their very own laboratory.

third. i am saddened by your extremely low view of future people and affairs. i envision the people of the future doing such things as flying radioactive kites and drinking bio-engineered milk that tastes like Coca-cola, but the only future you have in your heads is one of poor cuisine. your product is a big giant screw you to society in general. basically you are saying that all we are capable of as people is making really small little tiny balls of ice cream and then putting like ten billion in one bowl. im not even really impressed by that. you probably are making orphans scoop all those little ice creams in some sweat shop in Michigan where you probably reside. you are sending the message that we will be settling for less in the future, that we won't be as inventive and that our mouths will burn with pain.

fourth. most of the people employed by your company aren't nice.

fifth. ice cream is already really good. if you wanted to make a product of the future you should have chosen something that isn't currently amazing. like "spam of the future".

in conclusion. your so called "ice cream of the future" has let me down in pretty much every way. this letter is in hopes that you will shape up your act or move all your franchises to Michigan, where the people are lame enough to like your product. or change the name of the company to "ice cream of the loser".

sincerely,
landon

original screenplay.

2007-09-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

i think i am going to write a screenplay. and by think i mean i am working on it right now. it is roughly based on my life and the lives of some of my friends except with like 5000% more unicorns. maybe. anyways. if i finish and its good, then for the rest of my life whenever someone brings up the subject of screenplays or original screenplays at a business party, i can not only be a part of the conversation but a local hero once i announce that i have indeed written my own original screenplay. then when they ask what it is about i will say its loosely based on my life and lives of my friends except with like 5000% more unicorns. then if they aren't interested anymore because i should have made up a better tag line ill say its rated A for Awesome. and ill raise up my hand in anticipation of some killer hi-fives from my business associates and then eye my boss expectantly waiting for a huge raise and promotion.

summer/work/orange juice.

2007-08-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

summer is an interesting time in ones life, a time to reflect back on the year and consistently waste as much time as possible. or at least thats what i used to get to do when i was a kid. growing old is substantially worse than being young. and i am by no means old yet (still 19), but i already feel it coming.

i have spent the better part of the summer "working" if you can even use that word to describe what i have been doing and even still it is not nearly as fun as watching the price is right and drinking orange juice in your pajamas at 10 am.

i think the reason i drank so much orange juice as a kid was because i never brushed my teeth. because, honestly, who can drink orange juice after brushing your teeth? no one. at least no one who isn't lieing to themselves. it simply tastes awful.

lets put all our top scientists on adjusting toothpaste to not ruin orange juice. it is the official drink of breakfast, isn't it? thats shameful.

other cons of orange juice-
1. by buying it, you are supporting the state of Florida and in turn supporting the numerous old crabby people that live there.
2. having to deal with confusion when people think you are offering them a glass of O.J. Simpson.

so what are our other choices for breakfast drink of choice?
1. milk. pros-healthy. cons-already heavily associated with cereal.
2. water. pros-healthy, available in fresh or salt. cons-general tastelessness.
3. coffee. pros-very available. cons-there are trace amounts of cocaine in every starbucks cup.
4. tea. pros-extremely tasty, available in iced or hot fashion. cons-sometimes scalding temperature.
5. gatorade. pros-is often called 'hate-orade' which is funny. cons- i'm still not sure about "electro-lytes".
6. blood. pros-many if you are a vampire. cons-constant lawsuits from LifeSource.

Landon vs. Wild

2007-08-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

i sometimes watch this show man vs. wild. but the show seems pretty fake after a while. every episode he somehow stumbles on a dead animal and proceeds to eat him with recklessly low regard for his health. plus he has a camera crew with him and they never mention how they get around. hes always like, "ok this is a pretty dangerous climb." but there somehow is a camera guy climbing with him while holding a camera in one hand.

anyways, mark and i made some videos for camp this summer spoofing it. we knew the show needed a good spoof.

here is my favorite.

the rest are at www.youtube.com/user/landonwesley

landonpalooza

2007-08-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

i spent the last three days, almost in entirety at a music festival in Chicago called Lollapalooza. many, many things at this festival would have made good blogs in themselves, or at least they seemed like they would at the time.

while seeing a band called sparklehorse, i noticed that there was a woman up on stage using sign language to express the words to any deaf people that might have been in attendance. let me just say this, if you are deaf, a music festival is not the place for you. if a blind person wants to come to the festival, definitely, they probably have super-sonic hearing, blind people should be encouraged to come in. but if a blind person walked into a library i would tell them to leave, thats deaf people's territory.

also, during LCD soundsystem i decided to chase a rabbit around to occupy myself. what did i find when i turned around? an woman shaking her head in disbelief that i would actually chase a rabbit. if she loves animals so much, she should be happy that i was actually finding enjoyment in one for once without eating it. also, hasnt she ever seen bambi? rabbits love to run around and play, its not like i was shooting the rabbits best friends mom or anything.

my top 5 for lollapalooza.
1. daft punk
2. my morning jacket (with chicago symphony youth orchestra)
3. spoon
4. cold war kids and i'm from barcelona (tie)
5. when dennis rodman lifted eddie vedder on his shoulders.

**photo not taken at lollapalooza.

welcome to our side, mom.

2007-08-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

as of today, my mother has officially become an american citizen. good job mommy. join the ranks of such great americans as George Washington, Bob Dylan, Tim "the toolman" Taylor, and Jared that subway guy who lost alot of weight then gained some of it back.

mom, because of you, america has more hope than it did yesterday.

anyways, don't worry your not leaving too much behind in Canada, except free healthcare. o ya, and your husband james. because he is still a canadian. does that mean you guys have an interracial marriage? or an intercountry marriage? i have no idea. does this mean i should have never been born? i guess its up to my dad to decide between free healthcare and cultural acceptance.

but one question for you mom, why America? i think if i was going to change my citizenship i would at least change it to a country that would be a more interesting conversation piece. why not japan or russia or hungary or antarctica? then you could make up a story about your long hard immigration to this country and maybe you could get whoever you were telling the story to to put some money in your guitar case. o ya, when i said story i meant song. and part of the song could be about how you adopted me from the zoo of japan as your son. a half boy-half panda who you named la la landon.

me vs. the dentist.

2007-07-31T21:14:00.000-07:00

when i grow up, in addition to eating candy for breakfast i will also never again visit the dentist. this is why...

1. the grinding and scraping of my teeth reminds me of "gnashing" which is clearly shown in the Bible to be what sinners do.
2. the dentist i go to consistently breaths into my nose.
3. even worse, he wears a mouth guard around his neck while he breaths into my nose.*
4. if you didnt figure it out by now, his breath smelled like garbage.
5. the dentist is like your mom, you can lie and say you floss but he always can find out that you havent, by jabbing your gums with a razorsharp icepick causing you to bleed and cringe in pain.
6. the dentist then insists that if you would floss more, somehow the samurai sword he just jammed in your mouth wouldnt cause your gums to bleed.**
7. the teethbrushes they give you at the end are always way crappier than the teethbrushes i already have at home. and they give you like six inches of floss.***

*i have no idea what is holding him back from moving the mouth guard the 3 needed centimeters to cover his piehole, maybe he has had a problem with people punching him in the adam's apple while operating, so he has substituted the mouth guard for a throat guard.

**its times like this i would like to punch him in the throat.

***props to props4pops for inspiring about 7% of this blog.

blog york.

2007-07-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

new york. one question i ask of you. where is old york? new york, you are such a jerk. old york was probably your dad and you probably stole your inheritance and ran over here to america and never wrote him any letters. then until the day he died he probably read and saw about all your crazy escapades in the paper and the picture shows (thats what movies were called back then). he probably died with tear encrusted eyes, weeping over his lost, prodigal son.

o and the statue of liberty, talk about underwhelming. its like 10 feet tall. goliath could destroy lady liberty in a streetfight, unless she has a sling somewhere in all those rolls of fabric so elegantly covering her. or maybe she could use her torch to light goliath on fire. i mean, i know she represents liberty but i want her to be able to defend our liberty. we should probably take her down and update her, put ipod earphones on her, a cooler hat, like maybe a cubs hat, or maybe a cowboy hat, with a yellow feather in it. and she should have several guns tied around her back and one of those sweet like belts of bullets that you put over your shoulder. that way people in new york could sleep better.

but i guess thats what we get for accepting a gift from the french.

also, if you ever want to meet a crazy person, be a crazy person, marry a crazy person, new york is the place for you. i saw a pigeon guy. like the woman from home alone 2:lost in new york. had like pigeons gathered around him and one on his hand. i bet he gets them to go and do his bidding. hopefully he tells them to get him some deodorant. and a new haircut.

thoughts on haircuts.

2007-07-16T22:52:00.000-07:00

thoughts i had during my haircut today.

why do they wash your hair before they cut it? is it the hair's last dieing request to be clean before it is brutally murdered and swept away? i would say a good hair washing after the cut would be nice. and a flipping bath. the hair just gets everywhere. they need to get air tight seals on those covers they put on you. or they could just let everyone shower off after there haircut like you do at the gym, you probably need it just as much.

what do americas hair cutteries do with all of our hair? just throw it away they say?
what a waste. i think the government should use hair to force terrorists into talking. they could just fill up a room with dirty old hair and throw the guy, the general grossness of being covered in hair would get to him and they could tell him all he has to eat is hair until he talks. then if he doesn't talk they can just punch him in the stomach and kidneys alot, no one likes being punched there, especially not terrorists.

did i say that i think they should do this? i meant they already do. so next time you get a haircut, give yourself a pat on the back for being a good american.