i think the only reason people say "happy" halloween is because both of the words begin with the letters H and A. halloween is probably one of the least happy holidays there is. as evidenced by the lists i am about to make up:
most happy holidays
1. easter (for christians)
2. Christmas
3. new years eve (everyone is super tired on new years day)
least happy holidays
1. valentines day. has anyone ever been apart of a valentines day that wasnt a let down for everyone?
2. halloween.
a. kids get cold and complain while getting free candy (ungrateful).
b. old people get cold and complain because they have to keep opening the door to all these hooligan teenagers (crazy and confused).
c. parents get upset when they realize they can't get any candy when trick or treating with their young kids (plain old angry).
3. presidents day- surprised by this choice? who couldnt be upset on a day that is a combination of two holidays into one lesser day? i bet Lincoln and Washington are turning over in their graves. February was miserable enough as it is. What if someone combined Thanksgiving and Canadian thanksgiving? that would suck. im not sure why, but trust me it would.
suggestions for new halloween phrases
1. hark its halloween!
2. hello halloween
3. happy reformation day
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
butt ons
as you may or may not know underneath items posted on facebook is a button called "like". it allows people, like you and me to express their like for an item. the only problem with that is it doesn't allow the full range of emotions that i have to be expressed. i have come up with some ideas for some other buttons that facebook should include under posted items.
Don't Like Button - Ying and Yang. This button is obviously a necessity and it would be such a good way to let people see that fewer people like what they say than dislike. This would also be helpful when someone writes that they have a disease or broke their butt or something.
Awkward Button - This button is sorely needed in the facebook community.
I am surprised you think this is interesting Button - This is for people who constantly post meaningless events in their day like "Just took a shower!" or "Eating Lunch!!" or "I just saw a blue car". This would help people understand that they are not interesting. Another good name for this button would the You are boring Button.
Does everything have to be spiritual Button - This is for the guy who posts meaningless spiritual comments on everyone's statuses, calling into question how they use their time, what kind of movies they watch etc.
Shameless self-promotion Button - Probably the most annoying of all posts is the guy who is constantly posting about his business that clearly sucks, probably makes no money and is definitely going to fail. This could also be called the Pyramid Scheme Button. Remember when everyone was trying to sell Mona-Vie?
Why? Button aka Is this really necessary Button - People posting about their bowel movements or the bowel movements of close family members. I really saw a post that said "Thank God my Father had his first bowel movement in days". I agree God definitely needs to be thanked for that. But, facebook is not the place to talk about it.
Stalker Button - This is a helpful way to let people know they are trying to level jump your friendship. Maybe they push like on ten things you do in a row. Push this baby one time and they will definitely back off. This would be an embarrassment to the receiver. This button could also be called the Leave me alone forever Button.
Butt Button - This would be a button you would push to inform someone that they were being a butt head.
Don't Like Button - Ying and Yang. This button is obviously a necessity and it would be such a good way to let people see that fewer people like what they say than dislike. This would also be helpful when someone writes that they have a disease or broke their butt or something.
Awkward Button - This button is sorely needed in the facebook community.
I am surprised you think this is interesting Button - This is for people who constantly post meaningless events in their day like "Just took a shower!" or "Eating Lunch!!" or "I just saw a blue car". This would help people understand that they are not interesting. Another good name for this button would the You are boring Button.
Does everything have to be spiritual Button - This is for the guy who posts meaningless spiritual comments on everyone's statuses, calling into question how they use their time, what kind of movies they watch etc.
Shameless self-promotion Button - Probably the most annoying of all posts is the guy who is constantly posting about his business that clearly sucks, probably makes no money and is definitely going to fail. This could also be called the Pyramid Scheme Button. Remember when everyone was trying to sell Mona-Vie?
Why? Button aka Is this really necessary Button - People posting about their bowel movements or the bowel movements of close family members. I really saw a post that said "Thank God my Father had his first bowel movement in days". I agree God definitely needs to be thanked for that. But, facebook is not the place to talk about it.
Stalker Button - This is a helpful way to let people know they are trying to level jump your friendship. Maybe they push like on ten things you do in a row. Push this baby one time and they will definitely back off. This would be an embarrassment to the receiver. This button could also be called the Leave me alone forever Button.
Butt Button - This would be a button you would push to inform someone that they were being a butt head.
Friday, October 02, 2009
October Name Suggestions #3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.
Spocktober
Live long and prosper. Finally a month where nerds need not fear jocks. This month would be about celebrating Star Trek, computers, and thick glasses. In addition to this, every nerd, dork or dweeb will be given a water gun filled with pee to fire at jocks. Teach them a lesson they won't forget.
Hammocktober
Who doesn't love lying in a hammock. Maybe sipping a little l-juice. That's a new way to say lemonade. Lemonade is sweet. Why is apple juice not Appleade. That would be a sweet way to say it. Orangeade Grapeade Watermelonade. Here's my Hammocktober drink diary.
Hammocktober 1- Sipped Lemonade today. Decided to call it l-juice.
Hammocktober 2- Drank Grapeade today. Ingredients Grape Juice and magic.
Hammocktober 3- Sipped some l-juice then spotted a leprechaun. Formed a friendship.
Hammocktober 4- Shared l-juice with leprechaun who thinks it is named after him. I told him it was. I am not sure why.
Hammocktober 5- Decided to kick leprechaun in the butt because he was annoying and wouldn't give me any lucky charms.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Shamrocktober
Celebrates the only thing good about St. Patty's Day - Shamrock Shakes.
Buttocktober
As in, sit on yours all month.
Pocktober
A month to honor the greatest of all quick foods, hot pockets.
In celebration the company that makes hot pockets, whatever they are, probably like awesome foods rainbows incorporated would like stuff 5 random hot pockets with prizes golden tickets that would give you a tour of the unbelievable hot pocket factory led by the old insane but semi-interesting owner of the factory Christopher Crust. Be sure not to drink any fizzy lifting drinks.
Live long and prosper. Finally a month where nerds need not fear jocks. This month would be about celebrating Star Trek, computers, and thick glasses. In addition to this, every nerd, dork or dweeb will be given a water gun filled with pee to fire at jocks. Teach them a lesson they won't forget.
Hammocktober
Who doesn't love lying in a hammock. Maybe sipping a little l-juice. That's a new way to say lemonade. Lemonade is sweet. Why is apple juice not Appleade. That would be a sweet way to say it. Orangeade Grapeade Watermelonade. Here's my Hammocktober drink diary.
Hammocktober 1- Sipped Lemonade today. Decided to call it l-juice.
Hammocktober 2- Drank Grapeade today. Ingredients Grape Juice and magic.
Hammocktober 3- Sipped some l-juice then spotted a leprechaun. Formed a friendship.
Hammocktober 4- Shared l-juice with leprechaun who thinks it is named after him. I told him it was. I am not sure why.
Hammocktober 5- Decided to kick leprechaun in the butt because he was annoying and wouldn't give me any lucky charms.
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Shamrocktober
Celebrates the only thing good about St. Patty's Day - Shamrock Shakes.
Buttocktober
As in, sit on yours all month.
Pocktober
A month to honor the greatest of all quick foods, hot pockets.
In celebration the company that makes hot pockets, whatever they are, probably like awesome foods rainbows incorporated would like stuff 5 random hot pockets with prizes golden tickets that would give you a tour of the unbelievable hot pocket factory led by the old insane but semi-interesting owner of the factory Christopher Crust. Be sure not to drink any fizzy lifting drinks.
Thursday, October 01, 2009
October Name Suggestions #1 and #2.
October is boring.
I mean, can we wait the whole month for Halloween and then that is that?
Thats all October is willing to give?
I figure a name change is necessary to remedy this.
Jocktober
This is a month to celebrate meatheads and all the things they enjoy:
steaks; aggressively punching inanimate objects; running full speed into walls, trees or other people; listening to Creed; working, showing off and talking about muscles; punishing local nerds; and most importantly, firmly believing that all these things are impressive to women.
Perhaps a great day in Jocktober would consist of punching several cows to death, eating steaks made from them, while listening to Creed's greatest hits, then 7 hours at the gym, a rousing round of nerd bashing (in front of a bunch of impressed womens), then going home and sleeping on your floor, because you ate your bed earlier.
Socktober
This is a month to celebrate socks and everything they stand for; footwarmth, protection against athlete's foot (which is really gross), and I guess that pretty much all socks do, but still two things is alot. Thanks socks!
Also, in Socktober it will be common for people to wear socks on their hands and use them as puppets so that they can say what they have been thinking about people and not have to say it to them directly.
For instance, perhaps one (Steve) has been watching one (Diane) and thinks she's totally hot. Steve could put a sock on his hand and say to her in a muppety voice, "Hey Diane, Steve said you look hot today, Steve also said he looks hot today, Steve also said, perhaps you and Steve could combine your hotness on a date tonight." Which would probably totally sweep Diane off her feet.
Then Steve could show up to their date wearing socks under his sandals and Diane would be thinking, "Boy, does this guy know how to celebrate Socktober!"
Or perhaps Steve knows some meathead coworker named Kyle. Kyle is like pumping iron and eating steaks and he totally tries to punch Steve right in the kisser for no apparent reason. Well, the next day at work Steve could get up on the desk at a meeting with a sock on his hand and start talking in a meathead voice, and be all like "Hey look at me I am some jerkface named Kyle. I ate twenty steaks for breakfast, in fact I am eating a steak right now." Then Kyle would be all ashamed because he was eating a steak (but he would still finish it and also eat like 50 chicken legs and part of the table where he was sitting) and then Steve would continue in the meathead voice, "I know this is Socktober, but I thought maybe by punishing nerds and listening to 'Higher' by Creed at maximum volume I could make this Jocktober." Then Steve would get a huge hi-five from his boss, who was now also wearing a sock on his hand and they would join in together of a roast of Kyle the meathead. So then later Kyle would console himself by eating like 20 more steaks. And his office desk.
I mean, can we wait the whole month for Halloween and then that is that?
Thats all October is willing to give?
I figure a name change is necessary to remedy this.
Jocktober
This is a month to celebrate meatheads and all the things they enjoy:
steaks; aggressively punching inanimate objects; running full speed into walls, trees or other people; listening to Creed; working, showing off and talking about muscles; punishing local nerds; and most importantly, firmly believing that all these things are impressive to women.
Perhaps a great day in Jocktober would consist of punching several cows to death, eating steaks made from them, while listening to Creed's greatest hits, then 7 hours at the gym, a rousing round of nerd bashing (in front of a bunch of impressed womens), then going home and sleeping on your floor, because you ate your bed earlier.
Socktober
This is a month to celebrate socks and everything they stand for; footwarmth, protection against athlete's foot (which is really gross), and I guess that pretty much all socks do, but still two things is alot. Thanks socks!
Also, in Socktober it will be common for people to wear socks on their hands and use them as puppets so that they can say what they have been thinking about people and not have to say it to them directly.
For instance, perhaps one (Steve) has been watching one (Diane) and thinks she's totally hot. Steve could put a sock on his hand and say to her in a muppety voice, "Hey Diane, Steve said you look hot today, Steve also said he looks hot today, Steve also said, perhaps you and Steve could combine your hotness on a date tonight." Which would probably totally sweep Diane off her feet.
Then Steve could show up to their date wearing socks under his sandals and Diane would be thinking, "Boy, does this guy know how to celebrate Socktober!"
Or perhaps Steve knows some meathead coworker named Kyle. Kyle is like pumping iron and eating steaks and he totally tries to punch Steve right in the kisser for no apparent reason. Well, the next day at work Steve could get up on the desk at a meeting with a sock on his hand and start talking in a meathead voice, and be all like "Hey look at me I am some jerkface named Kyle. I ate twenty steaks for breakfast, in fact I am eating a steak right now." Then Kyle would be all ashamed because he was eating a steak (but he would still finish it and also eat like 50 chicken legs and part of the table where he was sitting) and then Steve would continue in the meathead voice, "I know this is Socktober, but I thought maybe by punishing nerds and listening to 'Higher' by Creed at maximum volume I could make this Jocktober." Then Steve would get a huge hi-five from his boss, who was now also wearing a sock on his hand and they would join in together of a roast of Kyle the meathead. So then later Kyle would console himself by eating like 20 more steaks. And his office desk.
Friday, September 25, 2009
ssseeevvveeennn
i like sevens that look like this. but what does the extra line signify?
theory #1 - the line is Seven's hands. this theory sucks. it is held by Danny Tanner and Comet the dog from Full House.
theory #2 - a seven with a knife in his mouth. Seven is a big fan of the movie Rambo. Especially the scene where Rambo throws a rock and blows up a helicopter. Maybe seven put a knife in his mouth to look like his childhood hero? This theory is held by Sylvester Stallone
theory #3 - Seven is a Frankenstein. enough said. This theory is held by the Boogie Man and Stone Phillips.
theory #4 - Seven is wearing a bow tie. Maybe seven looks like this on his way to a jazz club or maybe he is a secret agent. secret agent seven. and he is about to go assassinate 8 for trying to take over the world. but then 8 captures him and puts him on a machine where he is totally gonna die in like 2 seconds but then seven breaks out and punches 8 in the nose and narrowly escapes. that would be sweet. o ya and he totally kisses 6 at the end. This theory is held by Michael Jackson's kid who's name is Blanket.
theory #5 - it is a seven with a mustache. maybe seven is trying to hide from his ex-girlfriend 6 who is a total flooze by the way. or maybe the seven with a mustache is the other seven's good looking out of town cousin with an accent who scores all the chicks and then seven gets mad and sends him back to France.This theory is held by Uncle Jesse from Full House but not Uncle Joey. He was too busy saying cut it out to comment.
theory #6 - this is the seven standing at a basketball game doing the wave, he just has stubby little arms. This theory is held by Danny Devito.
theory #7 - seven's real name is steven. he wanted the line to make his stem look like a T so everyone would call him steven. maybe his full name is steven seven. that would be funny.This theory is held by me.
Friday, September 18, 2009
captain punch
some dude in a baseball hat was casually walking down the cereal aisle with another dude in a baseball hat at a grocery store in a uselessly small town in south dakota. it was aisle 3. he looked at the other dude and said, "captain crunch sucks, it cuts up the roof of your mouth." the other dude laughed as if he was going to no matter how the sentence ended.
twelve hours later to the minute, all the lights in the grocery store were off. a moon-like glow covered the third aisle. a small leprechaun named lucky slowly peeled off the front of a box entitled "lucky charms". he shook and gained a third dimension. a bee with honey falling off his stinger did the same. the two met and hugged, excited about another night of mischief. they were best friends in every sense of the word. as they walked towards frozen foods, they discussed the dude in the baseball hat's comments. "Captain Crunch is going to be awful mad," said lucky. the bee nodded nervously. as they walked around the corner, there stood captain crunch. lucky swallowed, hoping his previous sentence hadn't been overheard. captain crunch had his typical mean face on. "hello fellow product sellers". "we're not product sellers" said lucky, "we are real people". captain crunch spoke softer like you do when you have something really important to say, "you, lucky, are only alive to sell sucky charms, and you the bee, to sell honey but cheerios." the words hurt them deep, even though they heard them nearly every night. tonight, however, lucky had had enough. "you... you... are..." he couldn't think of anything. captain crunch laughed condescendingly. all of a sudden, lucky wound up and punched captain crunch right in the kisser. lucky stood over the wounded captain and said "you, are, captain, PUNCH". lucky and the bee ran and flew over to frozen foods before the captain had a chance to respond. they stopped at the beginning of the aisle and talked to tony the tiger, he encouraged them to have a grrrrrrrrrrreat night. realizing they shouldn't have asked him for advice they kept running. just then, they heard captain punch enlisting the help of his friend the trix rabbit, who is dumb enough to be friends with anyone. the groups kept enlisting the help of character after character until the wee hours of the morning.
at the north end of aisle 3 stood lucky, the bee, tony the tiger, toucan sam, and snap, crackle and pop. facing them was captain crunch, the trix rabbit, count chocula and that super weird frog from the cereal smacks. captain crunch was embarrassed to have such a tool on his team but it was too late now. the lines charged at each other! toucan sam pecked the trix rabbits eyes out but then he was bit on the neck by count chocula. the honey nut cheerios bee stung the smacks frog in face several dozen times. the frog was just glad to have been invited (which he was not, he just showed up). captain crunch roundhouse kicked snap, crackle and pop all in the face with one totally sweet motion. tony the tiger fell asleep halfway down the aisle. lucky threw a bunch of magically delicious marshmallows at count chocula who died because he had diabetes. then it was down to the original three. lucky and the bee charged at the captain but stepped in a net that he had laid down as a trap. he took them on his ship and told them to walk the plank. as they walked towards their watery graves lucky turned around and said to the captain "i've always liked your cereal better than mine". (which was a lie). captain crunch was touched in his heart for the first time ever. but he decided to push lucky off anyway. lucky drowned and captain crunch asked the bee to be his friend instead. when the bee refused captain crunch pushed him off too.
the captain finished out the night by helping himself to a bowl of his cereal while sitting in his boat, a content smile on his face. then the smile changed to a frown. his cereal had cut his gums, really bad. he kept eating anyway and ultimately bled to death. this reduced his cereal sales because his corpse was on the cover of his box. everyone bought c3po's and vampire fruit loops after that instead.
moral: name calling, fighting and eating captain crunch all have the same outcome on life. which is death.
twelve hours later to the minute, all the lights in the grocery store were off. a moon-like glow covered the third aisle. a small leprechaun named lucky slowly peeled off the front of a box entitled "lucky charms". he shook and gained a third dimension. a bee with honey falling off his stinger did the same. the two met and hugged, excited about another night of mischief. they were best friends in every sense of the word. as they walked towards frozen foods, they discussed the dude in the baseball hat's comments. "Captain Crunch is going to be awful mad," said lucky. the bee nodded nervously. as they walked around the corner, there stood captain crunch. lucky swallowed, hoping his previous sentence hadn't been overheard. captain crunch had his typical mean face on. "hello fellow product sellers". "we're not product sellers" said lucky, "we are real people". captain crunch spoke softer like you do when you have something really important to say, "you, lucky, are only alive to sell sucky charms, and you the bee, to sell honey but cheerios." the words hurt them deep, even though they heard them nearly every night. tonight, however, lucky had had enough. "you... you... are..." he couldn't think of anything. captain crunch laughed condescendingly. all of a sudden, lucky wound up and punched captain crunch right in the kisser. lucky stood over the wounded captain and said "you, are, captain, PUNCH". lucky and the bee ran and flew over to frozen foods before the captain had a chance to respond. they stopped at the beginning of the aisle and talked to tony the tiger, he encouraged them to have a grrrrrrrrrrreat night. realizing they shouldn't have asked him for advice they kept running. just then, they heard captain punch enlisting the help of his friend the trix rabbit, who is dumb enough to be friends with anyone. the groups kept enlisting the help of character after character until the wee hours of the morning.
at the north end of aisle 3 stood lucky, the bee, tony the tiger, toucan sam, and snap, crackle and pop. facing them was captain crunch, the trix rabbit, count chocula and that super weird frog from the cereal smacks. captain crunch was embarrassed to have such a tool on his team but it was too late now. the lines charged at each other! toucan sam pecked the trix rabbits eyes out but then he was bit on the neck by count chocula. the honey nut cheerios bee stung the smacks frog in face several dozen times. the frog was just glad to have been invited (which he was not, he just showed up). captain crunch roundhouse kicked snap, crackle and pop all in the face with one totally sweet motion. tony the tiger fell asleep halfway down the aisle. lucky threw a bunch of magically delicious marshmallows at count chocula who died because he had diabetes. then it was down to the original three. lucky and the bee charged at the captain but stepped in a net that he had laid down as a trap. he took them on his ship and told them to walk the plank. as they walked towards their watery graves lucky turned around and said to the captain "i've always liked your cereal better than mine". (which was a lie). captain crunch was touched in his heart for the first time ever. but he decided to push lucky off anyway. lucky drowned and captain crunch asked the bee to be his friend instead. when the bee refused captain crunch pushed him off too.
the captain finished out the night by helping himself to a bowl of his cereal while sitting in his boat, a content smile on his face. then the smile changed to a frown. his cereal had cut his gums, really bad. he kept eating anyway and ultimately bled to death. this reduced his cereal sales because his corpse was on the cover of his box. everyone bought c3po's and vampire fruit loops after that instead.
moral: name calling, fighting and eating captain crunch all have the same outcome on life. which is death.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
let me tell you a lil story.
in the year one billion there was an election for president of the world. the fine citizens of earth went to their voting booths and pressed the voting buttons with their minds. no room for error that way.
the guy they ended up choosing was named Rob Bott. he was totally a hunk, super good-looking, huge pectorals and biceps. looked like that dude from terminator but way hotter. anyways, he began to appoint counsels to build robots for various functions in the world. everybody was super pumped because the robots were doing the work nobody liked, like wrapping up dirty diapers, throwing away dirty diapers by eating them, and making sure no one ever has to interact with dirty diapers in any capacity.
he also made the robots run on garbage and pee which was sweet because then everyone could stop dumping that stuff in oceans and the ground. everybody was super pumped about rob bott.
then once on tv rob bott was giving a speech about fire safey. everyone in the world was watching it on their brains. (thats where people watched tv in the year 1,000,000,000). anyways, rob accidentally lit his face on fire. then it melted off and all these wires and metal junk was exposed. rob tried to shield his hideous face but it was obvious, rob bott was a robot. the whole world got super ticked. he was arrested and scientists put a bunch of sensors in his butt that made him feel pain. then everyone in the world was allowed to kick him in the butt once.
from then on everyone hated robots a lot. our national motto was extended "in God we trust, on robots we spit." the american flag had one side with the stars and stripes and another side with a huge foot kicking a robot in the butt. also, the quarter had a picture of rob botts face on it. but his face was on fire. the general consensus was that robots sucked... a lot. everyone started calling them robutts.
the guy they ended up choosing was named Rob Bott. he was totally a hunk, super good-looking, huge pectorals and biceps. looked like that dude from terminator but way hotter. anyways, he began to appoint counsels to build robots for various functions in the world. everybody was super pumped because the robots were doing the work nobody liked, like wrapping up dirty diapers, throwing away dirty diapers by eating them, and making sure no one ever has to interact with dirty diapers in any capacity.
he also made the robots run on garbage and pee which was sweet because then everyone could stop dumping that stuff in oceans and the ground. everybody was super pumped about rob bott.
then once on tv rob bott was giving a speech about fire safey. everyone in the world was watching it on their brains. (thats where people watched tv in the year 1,000,000,000). anyways, rob accidentally lit his face on fire. then it melted off and all these wires and metal junk was exposed. rob tried to shield his hideous face but it was obvious, rob bott was a robot. the whole world got super ticked. he was arrested and scientists put a bunch of sensors in his butt that made him feel pain. then everyone in the world was allowed to kick him in the butt once.
from then on everyone hated robots a lot. our national motto was extended "in God we trust, on robots we spit." the american flag had one side with the stars and stripes and another side with a huge foot kicking a robot in the butt. also, the quarter had a picture of rob botts face on it. but his face was on fire. the general consensus was that robots sucked... a lot. everyone started calling them robutts.
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