Friday, September 09, 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

ideas for stadium games

you know like the kiss cam and the like, well thats the only good one currently. but i have an idea for a stadium game.

the song "whip it" by Devo is playing and they put random grown men on the screen dancing - the audience has to text in to a number on the bottom of the screen guessing the dancing guy's blood alcohol level. then the guy blows into a breathalyzer and his BAC level goes up on the screen - CUE EVERYONES LOL --- AMIRIGHTGUYS?

MAKE SURE TO ZOOM THE CAMERA IN ON HIS EMBARRASSED WIFE AND KIDS AMIRIGHT?

if they guess correctly they are texted a funny picture of richard simmons AND a free gift card to chipotle. cause this game is called the richard simmons chipotle gift card mcdonald's america BAC level mothers against drunk driving challenge.

THEN - confetti showers on everyone.

Friday, June 10, 2011

19 minutes

my computer has nineteen minutes left until he dies. lets see if i can come up with something postworthy.

i like it when people say "oh, my phone died."

PERSON : my phone is dead
ME : (face goes from ridiculous smile to stunned look)
PERSON : (casually) ya idk i forgot to charge it
ME : O HOW CONVENIENT - YOU FORGOT TO CHARGE IT.
PERSON : ya, its alright though
ME : ITS ALRIGHT? YOU HAVE SHED THE INNOCENT BLOOD OF A LIFE PARTNER.
PERSON : ya but whatevs.
ME : (grabs cell phone out of person's hand, places it on ground, tries to resuscitate by continuously pushing the B key).
ME : BREATH, PLEASE, ITS NOT TOO LATE, THERE IS POWER IN YOU YET.
PERSON : (confused look).
ME : NO! NO! NO! NO! (slowing looks up at person with a scowl.) THOU SHALT NOT MURDER. THOU SHALT NOT MURDER.
PERSON : Listen man i think you are confused
ME : IM CONFUSED? IM CONFUSED? O THATS RICH, YOU MURDER A HELPLESS PHONE OUT OF SOME SICK TWISTED SENSE OF CONVENIENCE AND I AM THE ONE WHO IS CONFUSED? I HOPE ROBOTS COME ALIVE AND MAKE YOUR SKULL THEIR BUCKET FOR BOLTS AND INSERT A BATTERY TO YOUR BACK AND DON'T CHARGE IT BECAUSE THEY FORGOT. THEN YOU EXPLODE. (walks out)
PERSON : why do i spend time with him?

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

IM BACK


HAVE NO FEAR - I HAVE RETURNED.

i saw this sign today several times. IT DISGUSTS ME. TO THE POWER OF DANDRUFF.

i mean cmon! the thing about slow children is THEY EXIST, ask any gymnasium teacher ... they DO EXIST. SLOW CHILDREN. ok. thats a fact. lets move on. ------ WHY MUST WE POST SIGNS ALERTING MOTORISTS OF THEIR EXISTENCE?

how must these slow children feel when they see these signs?
i bet they feel SO SELF CONSCIOUS - like who let the cat out of the bag here? i knew i wasnt the fastest kid in school but since when did everyone need to know?

or poss they want to run away. but it would take hours to run from these signs, because they are everywhere and they are slow. so they probably run to a forest somewhere and eat a big hamburger sandwich pizza alone in the woods at night with wild warrior eagles watching them. is that what you want america?

i wonder if there is a cop who clocks slow kids with a radar gun and determines which neighborhoods to put those signs in? i wonder how slow you have to be? or maybe the gym teacher from a given area tells the po-po the slowest kids on the mile this year and they put signs up in his yard.

i wonder if there are levels to the slow signs - like
SLOW CHILDREN
SLOWER CHILDREN
SLOWEST CHILDREN
SNAIL CHILDREN

post this sign everywhere - warn the neighbors - if you are out driving and you look away from the road for 20-30 seconds - a child may have slothed
near the road.

Friday, April 01, 2011

reader

dear reader,
i smelled you yesterday and P U you smell like a mountain of ugly butts. o my goodness, did you spray poofume on yourself? (its like perfume but made of poop). you are disgusting, and a cannibal. ya i heard you eat people, that is SO gross, and hilarious, i am like lol ing so hard at you right now. MAN, i also heard you crashed a bus full of nuns on purpose, ew. you should be arrested and sent to OMG prison and sentenced to life without popcorn chicken from KFC. Also, i heard one of those nuns had the cure to tuberculosis in her Bible, stained with her tears from mixing chemicals for the good of some coughing boys in an alley in New York city. GIVE ME A BREAK, you are so mean, that boy is coughing so hard right now. He has TUBERCULOSIS. TUBERCULOSUCKS. plus i heard you sent flowers to your mom with bees on them and the bees had dipped their stingers in poison AND WORST OF ALL the flowers weren't your moms favorite color.
sincerely,
april fools day.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ok

pick any number 2-9.
multiply it by 9.
take the numbers 2 digits and add them.
add your age to that number.
add the age of your mother when you were born.
subtract the number you originally chose.
pick whichever of the two digits you like and assign it to the alphabet (a=1, b=2...)
now pick any animal that begins with that letter.
now imagine nicholas cage getting run over by that animal.