chef boy-r-me

july 4. people eating ice cream and such right? here's a few ways to spice up the whole popsicle thing.

recipe 1 - "pop dog"
1. take a hot dog bun.
2. open the freezer and take out a popsicle (firecrackers work best for july 4)
3. remove popsicle from wrapping.
4. place popsicle between hot dog buns.
5. enjoy!

recipe 2 - "poppickle"
1. purchase jar of large pickles.
2. remove one from jar.
3. name the pickle you just removed. (mine was called george costanza)
4. freeze your pickle friend.
5. enjoy!

recipe 3 - "popsickle"
1. get sick.*
2. cough all over a popsicle for about 30 seconds.
3. let an old dirty stray dog lick the popsicle.
4. put popsicle on freezer. (this is when it becomes a popsickle)
5. wait until someone eats it.
6. laugh!
*you can do this by: a. sitting in a cold bath tub for the entire duration of the movie "gettysburg". or b. kissing someone who is sick. note: it is funnier if they are a stranger.

recipe 4 - "poptickle"
1. this isn't so much a recipe as an idea.
2. jab a popsicle into someone's side playfully.*
3. if they don't laugh call them a square.
*note: a poppickle or popsickle will also work.

live in the 22nd century.

I started lifting weights in the shower. Why? Because life is better if you do as many things as possible at the same time. Pack your life full of activities then add on a few more. It’ll be better… trust me.

Instead of just watching TV, watch three TV’s at the same time, and each time any of them go to commercial, be sure to change the channel so as not to miss anything. Perhaps keep one screen on sports, one on comedy and one on a depressing daytime soap opera. That ought to keep your emotions in perfect balance.

Also, why not eat a huge sandwich while watching? I suggest one with ham, turkey, salami, American cheese, mustard, mayonnaise and a pickle. And maybe some roast beef too. And while your at the fridge grab a hot dog and a blueberry pancake, we’ll put those on there too.

While eating, why not also pull out your laptop and check your e-mail. Be sure to send your grandmother a quick note telling her how much fun you are having doing all these activities.

Bored? While eating, watching and checking, why not grab your Walkman and put one headphone in, some of the commercials are boring and it would be better if you had some music going on. Maybe grab that old Creed tape from the attic. Or maybe you should leave that up there and listen to something else.

While you are up for your Walkman, go ahead and grab that old footbath your fat uncle used to use. You deserve a break. Bathe your feet while watching, eating, checking and listening.

That’s probably enough.

Oh, your phone is ringing… better pick it up. It’s your good friend Joe, why not invite him over? And tell him to bring his chessboard so you can play a quick game while you watch, eat, check, listen and bathe. Maybe you guys could carry on a little conversation. Maybe about how you like your eggs cooked the best. You could say over easy and he could say scrambled. Then you guys could argue. While you eat, watch, check, listen, bathe, play and discuss. Maybe you could also pet your dog too. And feed your fish. And push a button that scratches your butt.

marco polio

yesterday i was playing marco polo. that game is fun. for about ten minutes. then it needs some variations to keep it alive. i suggest you play marco polio.

1. when the person yells marco, yell marco back. it is surprising how annoying this truly is.
2. just start yelling 'polio' instead of 'polo'. it will get a few laughs (unless someone has a family member who died of polio) and it will annoy marco (the 'it' person).
3. say "o, that reminds me" then go get your phone and make a call. when you come back announce to everyone that your friend mark is coming over and everyone can call him marco polio. everyone will laugh, but then get super serious and say, "we can laugh now, but he really does have polio, so when he comes over, just play it cool".
4. when everyone looks at you weird just smile and say "i am excited too" then jump in, go underwater and swim away.
5. have a friend make red dots on his body then show up and get in the pool.
6. if anyone asks you if polio is contagious say yes. if they ask how say through water.
7. once the pool awkwardly empties, have marco polio cook everyone up some burgers on the barbie.
8. when no one else eats, eat a few burgers, then go to the bathroom and draw some dots on yourself. just a few on your neck or something, then come back, act like nothing is wrong and take down a few more burgers.
9. if everyone leaves at that point, just play a rousing game of marco solo.

goodbye old friend.

my dog wants to become a vagrant. we had a sit down talk about it last night, but he wouldn't say anything... or listen. he just kept licking his paws and butt.

i caught him running away from our house last month with a plane ticket to hawaii in his mouth, but he just acted like it was a bone. i also found that he has been eating all his food lately. he must be stocking up on fat in case he can't find any pineapples or dog food to eat in hawaii.

last week he started tearing up our rug in an attempt to make a grass skirt of some sort. and, when i took him to pee on that palm tree in our neighbor's yard he likes to pee on, he refused and peed on my leg instead. but i might have just dreamed that.

plus, he was reading a national geographic on the history of the hawaiian islands. o, wait, maybe that was my mom. and, maybe it was a sears catalog. either way, that old mutt has been acting mighty strange.

i asked him why he wants to go to hawaii so bad and leave our family and he just told me that we were being too "rough" and he wants more "bark" in his life. i bet he saw some hot dog chick on tv and is going to chase after her. i asked him what island he was going to go to and he said "bow-wow". i haven't heard of that one, but, i am not up on hawaii these days.

Slap Surprise

1. Everyone sits in a circle indian style.
2. One person is in the middle and "slap surpriser" for each round.
3. Whoever is slap surpriser stands up in front of the players and says this sentence.
"Everyone close your eyes and one of you will get a slap surprise."
4. The slap surpriser then gets to slap anyone of his choosing as hard or as soft as he wants.
5. Whoever gets slapped gets to be the next slap surpriser and can choose to pay back the person who slapped him or take out his agression on another victim.

- A great way to spice up a visit to an old folks' homes!
- Great for playing at a little kids birthday party... you can slap kids!
- Great for family reunions where there is hidden agression between family members!
- Great to play at a High School reunion... slap the girl who turned you down for prom! slap the bully who made you dislike yourself! slap the teacher who failed you in trigonometry!

Cinco De Lie-O

I think a good way to celebrate Cinco De Mayo is to constantly reference it only pronounce it like the short form of the word mayonnaise. All day just walk up to different people and just start talking to them with sentences like, "Wow this is the best Cinco De Mayo ever." Then when they ask you why you are pronouncing it like that, just insist you don't know at all what they are talking about.

If that gets boring start celebrating Cinco De Lie-O instead. This is a day dedicating to making up things. Maybe go yell fire near a school or walk into an office building and tell someone their car got towed. If all else fails walk up to a stranger and insist that today is not Cinco De Mayo at all. No matter what he says, how much evidence he gives just keep saying this "No you jerk, today is NOT Cinco De Mayo". Perhaps you will annoy him so much that he will tear up. This is the perfect instance to say this phrase, "Yes, now you get it. Today is Cinco De Cry-o." The guy will probably freak out, which would be hilarious. Maybe he will even join in and tell you to Cinco De Die-O.

Later, if you get bored go over to your office and tell your boss he is wearing an excellent Cinco De Tie-O. You'll probably get promoted for that one. Then tell a story to everyone in your office about how Government spies from Mexico are called Cinco De Spy-O's. That's great water cooler conversation, and it only applies once a year, so be sure to use it today.

Everyone will be so pumped they will probably lift you up on their shoulders and shout for joy, "What a Cinco De Guy-O!"

Wanna have a good Cinco De Mayo? All you need is to Cinco De Try-O.

Abra Ka Landon

I have been thinking of starting a magic act. My magic name could Abra Ka Landon or Alandonkazaam or David Landonfield or Landini.

My tricks will be very creative, like nothing anyone has ever seen before, totally sweet. Like check this one out. This is how the show is going to start. I am going to walk out on stage, and then, while I am standing there, I am going to walk out on the stage again, like another me. Then like two seconds later, like 100 more me's are going to walk out on stage and we are all going to do a sweet dance routine in unison. I am not sure how I am going to do that one yet, but I am going to watch Attack of the Clones tonight and see if it gives me any hints.

Then, for my next trick, I will tell everyone in the audience to open their wallets, then they are all like what the heck nothing happened, then like all of a sudden spiders start crawling out of all their wallets and into their mouths, nasal cavities, ears, tear ducts and hair. The spiders are stinging everyone and the people are crying out spiders, sneezing them out and generally just hating life and me, then out of nowhere all the spiders turn into money and it starts flying out of all the people and into a huge bag with a money sign hovering over my head. Then I take the bag and give it to a bunch of orphans on stage. The whole crowd would probably start weeping for joy. I am not sure how I will do this trick either, probably will end up using dry ice or something.

If those two tricks bomb, I'll just start telling observational humor on stage.

**If someone who made balloon animals made a Unicorn, would they call it a balloonicorn?
**Do people cooking breakfast in Japan ever make Japancakes?

That would probably be a good finale.